Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
April 11, 2018
FreeWillAstrology.com
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Exclusive! The Beauty and Truth Lab reports the news before it happens! In this special report, our psychic journalists bring you the stories that haven't happened yet -- but will:
A new breed of wellread, charismatic homeless people will arise. They'll spread understanding and laughter through their communities, and will be routinely feasted in the homes of grateful citizens.
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A Constitutional Convention will produce a New Bill of Rights. Among its new amendments: All Americans must be rewarded financially in direct proportion to how much beauty they create.
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One of the bestselling self-help books of the decade will be The Zen of Juicy Sacred Radical Temper Tantrums.
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Biologists in Sweden will furnish conclusive evidence that men have "periods" analogous to a woman's menstrual cycle. They seem to correspond to changes in the relationship between Earth and the planet Mars, the biologists will claim.
At the peak of the male "marstral cycle," which can last up to 10 days a month, the adrenal glands release a hormone that makes men more likely to be irritable, more skilled at disguising their irrational impulses with logical explanations, out of touch with their feelings, and prone to violence and poor judgment.
There's also a vulnerable phase preceding the period, which the biologists will dub PMS, or Pathological Macho Stress.
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Having one billion dollars solely for your own personal use will become a crime.
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There'll be gay trees, holistic crack, a new class of aphrodisiacs that stimulate compassion even more than sexual desire, and computers that can talk to the Goddess.
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There'll be new interactive video games with socially redeeming value. In one of the best models, kids must negotiate all seven levels of Buddhist enlightenment with a Smurf-like character who resembles the Dalai-Lama.
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The average length of an act of heterosexual intercourse in America --which is currently only four minutes -- will jump to 22 minutes.
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The national murder rate will plummet when "The Hedonistic Midwife Channel," a new cable TV network, begins to broadcast live childbirths 24 hours a day.
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Researchers will uncover stunning evidence that vegetables have an intensity of consciousness and feeling much closer to that of animals than has previously been suspected. Many vegetarians will renounce their previous diets and swear to eat only milk and honey.
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Surgeons will begin to perform foreskin reimplantations. After a major study of the psychology of rapists suggests that many men confuse sex with violence because of the post-natal trauma of circumcision, thousands of males will attempt to heal their psyches by having pseudo-foreskins grafted on, using patches of skin from elsewhere on their bodies.
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The government will pay subsidies to some lawyers so they won't practice law—much as it now pays supermarket chains to keep cheese off the market when there is too much and the excess would bring prices down.
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True "personality" as we know it will begin to die out as more and more people perform imitations of composite characters they've assembled in their mind's eye by watching celebrities they admire.
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Dolphins will cease to be smarmy symbols of nature at its cutest when the public becomes aware that they're among the horniest creatures extant. An exposé will reveal that dolphins are sexually active from birth, females are wildly promiscuous, and adolescent males are usually bisexual.
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A rowdy new class of genetic engineers will have little interest in creating oil spill-eating bacteria, frost-resistant strawberries, or other useful hybrids. Considering themselves to be a cross between computer hackers and performance artists, they will create fun monstrosities that appeal to their sense of play and perversity, like winged horses and trees that grow leaves resembling one-hundred-dollar bills.
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A new grassroots political movement, Tax Patriots, will assert that paying taxes is the greatest patriotic duty one can exercise, even more than serving in the military.
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The US government will give back the Black Hills to the Lakota Indians, Maine to the Passamaquody Penebscot, New Mexico to the Acoma Pueblo, and the Saint Lawrence to the Mohawks.
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Pizza Hut will be bought by Oprah Winfrey, who will convert all the existing restaurants into a world-wide chain of well-stocked vision-quest sanctuaries known as "Menstrual Huts."
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A Sufi real estate magnate will build a chain of sacred shopping centers in the American heartland.
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The preceding blips are excerpts from my book
PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA
It's available at Amazon: bit.ly/Pronoia
or Powells: bit.ly/PronoiaPowells
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WANT TO GET YOUR ASTROLOGICAL CHART READ?
If you want your personal chart done, I recommend a colleague whose approach to reading astrology charts closely matches my own. She's my wife, RO LOUGHRAN. We've been enjoying regular conversations about astrology since 1989! Her website's here: www.roloughran.com
Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation. She is skilled at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your connection with your own inner wisdom.
In addition to over 30 years of astrological experience, Ro has been a licensed psychotherapist for 17 years. This enables her to integrate psychological insight with the cosmological perspective that astrology offers.
Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise work with you regardless of geographic boundaries.
Check out Ro's website at www.roloughran.com
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MORE PRONOIA RESOURCES:
The Ways Gratitude Can Also Make You Physically Healthier. Some research suggests that grateful people may have better sleep, healthier hearts, and fewer aches and pains.
tinyurl.com/yaldwjm2
After Thousands of Years, Western Science Is Slowly Catching Up to Indigenous Knowledge. New research about how birds use fire to get a broader food supply comes as no surprise to Indigenous people.
tinyurl.com/yak6owl6
No Price Tags: These Neighbors Built Their Own Economy Without Money. Time-banking is a model for trading skills, goods, and labor instead of money. There are close to 500 such banks across the country.
tinyurl.com/y9l5dqdx
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They aren’t advertisements, and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES: Truthrooster@gmail.com.
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning April 12
Copyright 2018 by Rob Brezsny
FreeWillAstrology.com
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Aries statesman Thomas Jefferson was the third President of the United States. He wrote one of history's most famous documents, the Declaration of Independence. He was an architect, violinist, inventor, and linguist who spoke numerous languages, as well as a philosopher who was knowledgeable about mathematics, surveying, and horticulture. But his most laudable success came in 1789, when he procured the French recipe for macaroni and cheese while living in France, and thereafter introduced the dish into American cuisine. JUST KIDDING! I'm making this little joke in the hope that it will encourage you to keep people focused on your most important qualities, and not get distracted by less essential parts of you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
In the early 1990s, Australian electrical engineer John O'Sullivan toiled on a research project with a team of radio astronomers. Their goal was to find exploding mini-black holes in the distant voids of outer space. The quest failed. But in the process of doing their experiments, they developed technology that became a key component now used in Wi-Fi. Your digital devices work so well in part because his frustrating misadventure led to a happy accident. According to my reading of your astrological omens, Taurus, we may soon be able to make a comparable conclusion about events in your life.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
In the fictional world created by DC Comics, the superhero Superman has a secret identity as a modest journalist named Clark Kent. Or is it the other way around? Does the modest journalist Clark Kent have a secret identity as the superhero Superman? Only a few people realize the two of them are the same. I suspect there is an equally small number of allies who know who you really are beneath your "disguises," Gemini. But upcoming astrological omens suggest that could change. Are you ready to reveal more about your true selves? Would you consider expanding the circle that is allowed to see and appreciate your full range and depth?
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Playwright Tennessee Williams once spent an evening trying to coax a depressed friend out of his depression. It inspired him to write a poem that began like this: "I want to infect you with the tremendous excitement of living, because I believe that you have the strength to bear it." Now I address you with the same message, Cancerian. Judging from the astrological omens, I'm convinced you currently have more strength than ever before to bear the tremendous excitement of living. I hope this news will encourage you to potentize your ability to welcome and embrace the interesting puzzles that will come your way in the weeks ahead.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Are you finished dealing with spacious places and vast vistas and expansive longings? I hope not. I hope you will continue to explore big bold blooming schemes and wild free booming dreams until at least April 25. In my astrological opinion, you have a sacred duty to keep outstripping your previous efforts. You have a mandate to go further, deeper, and braver as you break out of shrunken expectations and push beyond comfortable limitations. The unknown is still more inviting and fertile than you can imagine.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Between December 5 and 9, 1952, London was beset with heavy fog blended with thick smog. Visibility was low. Traffic slowed and events were postponed. In a few places, people couldn't see their own feet. According to some reports, blind people, who had a facility for moving around without the aid of sight, assisted pedestrians in making their way through the streets. I suspect that a metaphorically comparable phenomenon may soon arise in your sphere, Virgo. Qualities that might customarily be regarded as liabilities could at least temporarily become assets.
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MY OTHER HOROSCOPES
Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to guide you through life’s labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular deliveries of uncanny revelation.
One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer you the free weekly horoscopes you read here.
If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four-to-five-minute meditations on the current state of your destiny and where you're headed.
To listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope online, go to RealAstrology.com.
Register and/or log in through the main page.
You can also listen over the phone by calling 1-877-873-4888.
The cost is $6 per sign on the Web (discounts available for bulk purchases), or $1.99 per minute by phone.
The Expanded Audio Horoscopes work on most smart phones and tablets.
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"Your Expanded Audio Horoscopes provide me with the Rest of the Story. I'm not necessarily a believer in the scientific accuracy of astrology, but I do think you've got a lot of practical wisdom to impart."
- M. Tennenbaum, New York
"No one knows more about me than me. But you're right up there near the top of the list of people who do understand something about how I tick. How is that possible?"
- R. Goren, Albuquerque
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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Your allies are always important, but in the coming weeks they will be even more so. I suspect they will be your salvation, your deliverance, and your treasure. So why not treat them like angels or celebrities or celebrity angels? Buy them ice cream and concert tickets and fun surprises. Tell them secrets about their beauty that no one has ever expressed before. Listen to them in ways that will awaken their dormant potentials. I bet that what you receive in return will inspire you to be a better ally to yourself.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
In the coming weeks, I suspect you will be able to find what you need in places that are seemingly devoid of what you need. You can locate the possible in the midst of what's apparently impossible. I further surmise that you will summon a rebellious resourcefulness akin to that of Scorpio writer Albert Camus, who said, "In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. No matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's something stronger -- something better, pushing right back."
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
In 1936, Herbert C. Brown graduated from the University of Chicago with a bachelor's degree in science. His girlfriend Sarah Baylen rewarded him with the gift of a two-dollar book about the elements boron and silicon. Both he and she were quite poor; she couldn't afford a more expensive gift. Brown didn't read the book for a while, but once he did, he decided to make its subject the core of his own research project. Many years later, he won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his discoveries about the role of boron in organic chemistry. And it all began with that two-dollar book. I bring this story to your attention, Sagittarius, because I foresee you, too, stumbling upon a modest beginning that eventually yields breakthrough results.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
In 20 B.C., Rome's most famous poet was Quintus Horatius Flaccus, known to us today as Horace. He prided himself on his meticulous craftsmanship, and advised other writers to be equally scrupulous. Once you compose a poem, he declared, you should put it aside for nine years before deciding whether to publish it. That's the best way to get proper perspective on its worth. Personally, I think that's too demanding, although I appreciate the power that can come from marshalling so much conscientiousness. And that brings me to a meditation on your current state, Capricorn. From what I can tell, you may be at risk of being too risk-averse; you could be on the verge of waiting too long and being too cautious. Please consider naming a not-too-distant release date.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Luckily, you have an inventive mind and an aptitude for experimentation. These will be key assets as you dream up creative ways to do the hard work ahead of you. Your labors may not come naturally, but I bet you'll be surprised at how engaging they'll become and how useful the rewards will be. Here's a tip on how to ensure you will cultivate the best possible attitude: Assume that you now have the power to change stale patterns that have previously been resistant to change.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
May I suggest that you get a lesson in holy gluttony from a Taurus? Or perhaps pick up some pointers in enlightened self-interest from a Scorpio? New potential resources are available, but you haven't reeled them in with sufficient alacrity. Why? Why oh why oh why?! Maybe you should ask yourself whether you're asking enough. Maybe you should give yourself permission to beam with majestic self-confidence. Picture this: Your posture is regal, your voice is authoritative, your sovereignty is radiant. You have identified precisely what it is you need and want, and you have formulated a pragmatic plan to get it.
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HOMEWORK:
In what circumstances do you tend to be smartest? When do you tend to be dumbest? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.
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Submissions sent to Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter or in response to "homework assignments" may be published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion, including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will Astrology column, and Free Will Astrology website. We reserve the right to edit submissions for length, style, and content. Requests for anonymity will be honored. We are not responsible for unsolicited submission of any creative material.
Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright 2018 Rob Brezsny
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