Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter March 30, 2011

Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
MARCH 30, 2011
FreeWillAstrology.com

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The revised and expanded version of my book PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA is available at Amazon: bit.ly/Pronoia
and also at Powells: bit.ly/PronoiaPowells

Below is an excerpt from the book.

To read the entire piece, go here: bit.ly/NewsShock

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Exclusive! The Beauty and Truth Lab reports the news before it happens!

In this special PNN report, our psychic journalists bring you the stories that haven't happened yet -- but will!

Here are the prophecies the National Enquirer refused to publish!

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Conviviality Revolution
A new breed of well-read, charismatic homeless people will arise. They'll spread understanding and laughter through their communities, and will be routinely feasted in the homes of grateful citizens.

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Eros Upgrade
The average length of an act of heterosexual intercourse in North America -- which is currently only four minutes -- will jump to 22 minutes.

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Lawyer Glut
The government will pay subsidies to some lawyers so they won't practice law -- much as it now pays supermarket chains to keep cheese off the market when there is too much and the excess would bring prices down.

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Mutant Opinions
Botched genetic experiments will create a strain of mutant bacteria that causes infected victims to hate opinion polls.

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Book Futures
One of the bestselling self-help books of the decade will be The Zen of Juicy Sacred Radical Temper Tantrums.

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Men's Time of the Month
Biologists in Sweden will furnish conclusive evidence that men have "periods" analogous to a woman's menstrual cycle. They seem to correspond to changes in the relationship between Earth and the planet Mars, the biologists will claim.

At the peak of the male "marstral cycle," which can last up to 10 days a month, the adrenal glands release a hormone that makes men more likely to be irritable, more skilled at disguising their irrational impulses with logical explanations, out of touch with their feelings, and prone to violence and poor judgment.

There's also a vulnerable phase preceding the period, which the biologists will dub PMS, or Pathological Macho Stress.

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Genetic Performance Art
A rowdy new class of genetic engineers will have little interest in creating oil spill-eating bacteria, frost-resistant strawberries, or other supposedly useful hybrids. Considering themselves to be a cross between computer hackers and performance artists, they will create fun monstrosities that appeal to their sense of play and perversity, like winged horses and trees that grow leaves resembling one-hundred-dollar bills.

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Homechurching
As public schools continue to decline and private schools become more expensive, increasing numbers of parents will homeschool their children. As the pronoia meme spreads, an analogous phenomenon will arise among religious groups. Called the "homechurch" movement by Christians, the "homesynagogue" movement by Jews, and the "hometemple" movement by other religious groups, it will consist of people creating altars and conducting worship sessions in their own abodes. Seekers pursuing this approach to spiritual communion will serve as their own priests, priestesses, and rabbis.

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The Joy of Childbirth
The national murder rate will plummet when "The Hedonistic Midwife Channel," a new cable TV network, begins to broadcast live childbirths 24 hours a day.

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Sentient Vegetables
Researchers will uncover stunning evidence that vegetables have an intensity of consciousness and feeling much closer to that of animals than has previously been suspected. Many vegetarians will renounce their previous diets and swear to eat only fruit and nuts.

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Tax Love
A new grassroots political movement, Tax Patriots, will assert that paying taxes is the greatest patriotic duty one can exercise, even more than serving in the military.

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Recovered Memories
Under hypnosis, many adults will recall long-suppressed memories of joy and peace experienced when they were children.

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TO READ THE ENTIRE PIECE, go here: bit.ly/NewsShock

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MORE PRONOIA RESOURCES:

YOU MAY BE A GREATER GENIUS THAN YOU REALIZE
10 Signs You Could Be The Chosen Savior
tinyurl.com/2dcmw5h

INNOVATIVE HEALING STRATEGIES
Finally, a Cure for Homophobia?
tinyurl.com/4b8uol2

EXPERIMENTS IN POETIC JUSTICE
Reality TV show: Six wealthy young fashion addicts never thought about who makes their clothes -- until they were relocated to India, where they worked in cotton fields and clothes factories. Find out whether they could handle a sewing machine and meet the target of two garments a minute.
tinyurl.com/6mjx4l

TAKE IT EASY, RELAX, LET GO
NSFW
New Spiritual Technique
tinyurl.com/begq9c

OUR ALLIES TAKE MANY FORMS
Chewbacca riding a squirrel while fighting Nazis with a crossbow
i.imgur.com/8Sk6X.jpg

YES, SOME THINGS ARE DEFINITELY IMPROVING
The Best Before and After Images Ever
i.imgur.com/Eopfx.jpg

BRINGING LIFE TO THE DEAD SPOTS
Renegade Sax in Wal-Mart
tinyurl.com/4jp7g9s

(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They are not advertisements, and I get no kickbacks.)

Please tell me your own personal nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES.

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 31

Copyright 2011 by Rob Brezsny
FreeWillAstrology.com

ARIES (March 21-April 19):

This is an excellent time to study the book A's'sholeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way -- and Getting Away with it. In fact, the cosmos would not only look the other way if you acted on the principles described therein; the cosmos is actively encouraging you to be a successful jerk. APRIL FOOL! It's true that you're in a phase when it makes sense to be a little extra selfish and eager to bend the world to meet your needs. But according to my analysis, it's crucial that you do this politely and graciously.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):

It's a great time to get breast implants, a pe'nis enlargement, a nose enhancement (if our nose is too tiny), or surgery to elongate your tongue. Anything you could do to yourself in order to stick out further and make a bigger impression would be in harmonious alignment with the astrological omens. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a dirty lie. Here are the facts: It's high time to work creatively and appreciatively with what nature has given you, not try to force it to accommodate some soulless desire.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):

Between now and April 16, you really should try to party every night. You should experiment with at least 100 different altered states of consciousness, and talk to at least 500 fascinating people, and explode with at least 800 fits of laughter, and change your mind at least 1000 times. You need massive stimulation, Gemini. You need record-breaking levels of variety and mood swings. Be everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this might be one of those times that the visionary poet William Blake was referring to when he said, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," please take care you don't end up slobbering face-down in the gutter without any pants on halfway along the road of excess. Remember the goal: to actually reach the palace of wisdom.

CANCER (June 21-July 22):

You have cosmic permission to brag like a coked-up pimp. You have poetic license to swagger and show off like a rock star who has sold his soul for $30 million. You have my blessing if you'd like to act as if everyone in the world should be more like you. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little. It's true that you have every right to seize more authority and feel more confident and spread your influence farther and wider. But the best way to do that is to explore the mysteries of humble courage and ply the art of magical truth-telling and supercharge your willpower with a big dose of smart love.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):

What is your most far-fetched desire? I dare you to pursue it. What is the craving that would take you to the frontier of your understanding about yourself? I urge you to indulge it. Which of your primal wishes intimidates you as much as it enthralls you? I beg you to embrace it. APRIL FOOL! I don't really think you should try to carry out your most extreme fantasies. Maybe in a few weeks, but not now. I do hope, however, that you spend some time this week getting to know them better.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

If you develop symptoms like a dry mouth, twitching eyebrows, sweaty palms, or goose bumps in places you don't usually get them, you may be suffering from a malady called anatidaephobia, which is the fear that you are being watched by a duck. So please, Virgo, try to avoid places where ducks congregate. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will not contract an exotic affliction like anatidaephobia any time soon. You may, however, notice yourself experiencing waves of seemingly irrational elation; you may frequently feel like something oddly good is about to happen. Why? Because according to my analysis of the omens, you are more likely than usual to be watched by secret admirers, future helpers, interesting strangers, and your guardian angel.

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YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT MORE HELP AVAILABLE THAN YOU IMAGINE

What do you want to be when you grow up? Is it possible that you will eventually develop beautiful capacities and sublime understandings that you can't even imagine right now?

I might be able to help you move in the direction of becoming more of the person you were born to be.

Tune in to my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

Find out more at RealAstrology.com.

The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888.

"The best part about your audio horoscopes is that they pat me on the head and kick me in the ass at the same time."
- Rita L., San Diego

"Your audio oracles go beyond helping me find the truth -- they inspire me to find the WILD truth."
- Patrick K., Montreal

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

If you're a straight man, this would be a good time to ask Halle Berry on a date. If you're a straight woman, you'll have a better-than-usual chance to get Jake Gyllenhaal to go out with you. If you're a gay man, you might want to try your luck with Adam Lambert, and if you're a lesbian, I encourage you to propose a rendezvous with Portia de Rossi. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It's never a good time to try to hook up with unavailable dream girls or dream guys. I will say this, though: You now have extraordinary power to turn yourself into a better partner, ally, and lover. And that suggests it's well within your means to cultivate a more exciting kind of intimacy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

"Dear Rob: I just walked in on my boyfriend of over a year in bed with another woman. My mind is beyond blown; it's a splay of sparks in a drenched sky, a fireworks display in a downpour. Any advice on moving forward? Shocked Scorpio." Dear Shocked: I'll tell you what I'd like to tell all Scorpios right now: Start plotting your wicked revenge. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, revenge would be a dumb waste of your precious time. Any surprises that come your way in the coming days are basically disguised gifts from life to get you back on course. Use their motivational energy wisely and gratefully.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

It's an ideal time for you to explore the intimate wonders of ecosexuality. Nature's libidinous pleasures are calling to you. How about trying some erotic experiments with trees and waterfalls? Or skinny-dipping in wetlands and doing skyclad seduction dances for the clouds? Or making out with oyster mushrooms right where they grow up out of a fallen log? APRIL FOOL! It's true that this is a good time to expand your sexual repertoire and seek out new sensations of intimate bliss, but it's quite possible to accomplish that by confining your erotic communion to human beings.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

The astrological omens are practically screaming for you to go out and buy a luxurious new home in your ideal neighborhood. Preferably it should have every feature you've ever dreamed about, whether that's a cinema-scale theater room or a spa with a sauna and hot tub. If you have to go deep into debt to make this happen, that's fine. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. It is an excellent time for you to upgrade your domestic scene, either by making comfortable and attractive changes in the decor of your current home or by enhancing your relationships with your family and roommates. But there's no need to make crazy expenditures that will cripple you financially. In fact, cheap is probably better. That's what the astrological omens are really suggesting.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

It's absolutely critical for you to be consistent and uniform right now. You must be pure, homogeneous, and regular. Don't you dare dabble with anything that's even vaguely miscellaneous. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a lie. In astrological fact, the best way to thrive is by being a cross between a mishmash and a medley . . . by being part hodgepodge and part amalgamation. Your strongest impact will come from blending the most diverse influences. The best elixir will result from mixing several different potions.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):

I hope you take full advantage of this unusual moment in your astrological cycle, Pisces. According to my interpretation of the cosmic signs, it's prime time to unleash an ocean of tears. And not just the kind of moisture that wells up out of sadness, either. I hope you will give even more time to crying because of unreasonable joy, sobbing due to cathartic epiphanies, weeping out of compassion for the suffering of others, and blubbering activated by visions of the interconnectedness of all life. Let it flow! APRIL FOOL! I slightly overstated the possibilities. Yes, it will be a wonderful time to feel profound states of emotion and surrender to the tears they induce. But you need to get a few things done, too, so don't risk drowning.

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HOMEWORK:

Describe what you'd be like if you were the opposite of yourself. Write FreeWillAstrology.com.

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Submissions sent to the Free Will Astrology Weekly Newsletter or in response to "homework assignments" may be published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion, including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will Astrology column, and Free Will Astrology website. We reserve the right to edit such submissions for length, style, and content. Requests for anonymity will be honored with submissions; otherwise, reader names, screen names, or initials will be used. Please be sure to note your preference when sending to us. We are not responsible for unsolicited submission of any creative material.

Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright 2011 Rob Brezsny

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