Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter March 25, 2009

Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
MARCH 25, 2009
FreeWillAstrology.com

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"The metabolic pathways of pain and malaise evolved because they served the fitness of our genes in the ancestral environment. They will be replaced by a different sort of neural architecture -- a motivational system based on heritable gradients of bliss. States of sublime well-being are destined to become the genetically pre-programmed norm of mental health."
- David Pearce, hedweb.com, The Hedonistic Imperative

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MORE PRONOIA RESOURCES:

ARCHIVES OF PRONOIAC RESOURCES
pronoiaresources.wordpress.com

PRONOIA IS MORE THAN THE EYE CAN SEE
The End of Materialism: How Evidence of the Paranormal Is Bringing Science and Spirit Together by Charles T. Tart
tinyurl.com/cqo2td

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE NEWS, GO OUT AND MAKE SOME OF YOUR OWN
Change the World News
cthings.com
"CThings is the work of a community of people who contribute news stories about the amazing things people are doing to change the world. Our community aggregates stories of real innovation, breakthrough, and the triumph of the human spirit."

OUR CO-CONSPIRATORS ARE WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES TO HELP US
Novel Antibiotics That Don't Trigger Antibiotic Resistance Developed
tinyurl.com/d82e5w

(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They are not advertisements, and I get no kickbacks.)

Please tell me your own personal nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES.

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To buy my book,
PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA:
How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings

go here: tinyurl.com/qaj62

or here: tinyurl.com/3dsx6q

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museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool

The 100 Top April Fool Hoaxes of All Time

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 26

Copyright 2009 by Rob Brezsny
FreeWillAstrology.com

ARIES (March 21-April 19):

Don't you think it's time you toned down your manic aspirations? Aren't you curious about the sweet, sensitive success that could be yours if only you got really calm and peaceful? Wouldn't it be interesting to explore the more manageable opportunities that might become available by accepting your limitations with humble equanimity? APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare do any of those things, Aries. Your spiritual duty for the foreseeable future is to be a brave initiator of ingenious experiments . . . a high-powered self-starter who competes primarily with yourself . . . a pioneering warrior who's in quest of transcendent exploits that make it unnecessary to go to war.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):

As you enter testing time, I may be the only astrologer who has enough tough love to wake up your inner teacher, ensuring that you'll get the expert help you need. And I may be the only psychic healer who can polish your aura and help you dispose of the karmic gunk that has been gumming up your luck. APRIL FOOL! I'm powerful, but not that powerful. My job is to alert you to the work that must be done so that you can do the work yourself. P.S. For best results, blame no one for any sadness you may feel, and take full responsibility for creating your own happiness.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):

Please do not snort meth in a hot-air balloon with fake Peruvian shamans as you fly to a secret CIA fortress where you put on a mask and play strip poker with high-ranking members of the conspiracy to create one world government. APRIL FOOL! There's no way you'll be invited to a whacked-out spectacle like that. Your wildness does in fact need expression, but it will be perfectly satisfied with less whacked-out adventures that are healthy for you and leave no messes in their wake. Monitor yourself for any urges you may feel to seek out over-the-top melodramas.

CANCER (June 21-July 22):

So many miraculous images of Jesus have been appearing in Cheetos corn chips lately that a new cult of "Cheesus" worshipers has sprung up. I suggest you consider the possibility of joining them. This is a favorable time to switch your religious affiliation to a faith that puts great stock in goofy miracles. ARPIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. There's really no mandate for you to become a Cheesus Freak. But it is a fine time to add tender irreverence and fun-loving funkiness to your spiritual aspirations.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):

I have a message for the city of Los Angeles, regarded by most astrologers as a Leo: It would be wise to accept the offer of tequila manufacturer Jose Cuervo, which has offered to pay a handsome sum for the right to put its advertising sign beneath the huge Hollywood sign in the Hollywood Hills. APRIL FOOL! This is a bad time for all Leos, including L.A. and you, to sell their souls. In fact, the universe is conspiring to bring you practical rewards for simply being your beautiful self. I suggest you proceed according to the hypothesis that radiating your highest integrity is the finest form of self-promotion.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

This is an ideal time to have sessions with a sex therapist so as to get to the root of any inhibitions that might be preventing you from claiming your full measure of orgasmic enlightenment. APRIL FOOL! While this is a fantastic time to deepen your access to the spiritual gifts of erotic bliss, you won't need a therapist to accomplish it. Here's all you really require: 1. a fantasy of making love with an inscrutable deity who has four arms, the better to hug you with; 2. a pretend aphrodisiac made from the peaches of immortality that you'll steal from the tree of life in your dream tonight; 3. an invisible sex toy that you create in your mind's eye while you're meditating about the most sublime situation you've ever been in.

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LISTEN TO AN EXPANDED HOROSCOPE

In addition to the horoscopes that you're reading here, I create more in-depth audio horoscopes for your inspiration. Find out more at RealAstrology.com.

The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

"The best part about your audio horoscopes is that they pat me on the head and kick me in the ass at the same time."
- Rita L., San Diego

"Your audio oracles go beyond helping me find the truth -- they inspire me to find the WILD truth."
- Patrick K., Montreal

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Maybe someday you will allow yourself to act more like an Aries. You know, you'll barge ahead along a path of your own making. You'll follow the siren call of your good instincts instead of the waffling questions of your fine mind. You'll relish the scary sounds from up ahead as potential opportunities to triumph over your fear and hone your willpower. Don't do any of that stuff yet, though. You're not ready for the challenge. Maybe in a few years. APRIL FOOL! Here's the truth, Libra: Now is an excellent time to act more like an Aries.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Sometime in the next week, the spirits of Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, John the Baptist, and Jean-Paul Sartre will come to you in a vision to tell you how to prosper during the coming Great Depression. With their expert tips you will spend the years 2010-2013 safe and sound and well-fed in a gated community while millions of your fellow humans are rioting in the streets over scraps of food. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is a lie. The more modest truth is that you now have access to great insight about how to increase your long-term stability and security. Take advantage!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

In a letter to Santa Claus last December, a child from Seattle wrote, "Dear Santa, Can you give me a very special superpower? What I want is to be able to make up songs everywhere I go, and not have to work so hard to think of things to say to people because a fresh, beautiful song will magically pour out of my mouth for all occasions." I'm happy to announce that if this child is a Sagittarius, his or her wish could soon come true. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is not a literal reality. But it may have metaphorical value. The truth is, many of you Sagittarians will be very fluid and imaginative in the coming weeks. You may be able to create pretty much anything you put your mind to.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

I'm definitely not encouraging you to go to Youtube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a piano. You've got more important things to do, and shouldn't waste your time on trivial diversions. So get down to business! Commit your whole being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don't waver from your laser-focused intention! APRIL FOOL! The truth is that if you want to succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding perfection. So go watch the hamster. It's at tinyurl.com/agywon.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Nothing but great news for you as far as the eye can see, Aquarius. You're much more likely than usual to win a contest and be told you're hot and find loose money on the sidewalk. I bet you'll also get an invitation that you never imagined possible and an offer to have a conversation with a person you admire. Nor would I be surprised if you finally garner a certain form of recognition you've been pining for, get a message that will change your life in a sweet way, and discover a brand new trick for experiencing pleasure. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. Maybe one or two of those wonderful things will happen (at most, three), but not all of them. Don't be greedy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):

I predict that sometime soon you will time-travel to 2012 and then return to the present. While on your journey, you'll learn the outcome of three major sports events that will happen between now and then. This knowledge will eventually help you win large bets that earn you millions of dollars. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You won't literally engage in time travel, and you won't get access to valuable sports scores. I bet you will, however, take a semi-magical excursion into the future via a vivid dream or meditative vision, where you'll get a clear idea of what would ultimately work and not work about your current experiments in happiness.

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HOMEWORK:

There is no God. "No pain, no gain" is the ultimate truth. Life is a bitch and then you die. APRIL FOOL! Those assertions are profound yet idiotic lies. Explain why by going to FreeWillAstrology.com and clicking on "Email Rob."

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WANT TO GET YOUR CHART DONE?

I'm not doing personal charts, but I highly recommend my astrological colleague, RO LOUGHRAN. Her approach closely matches my own. In our many discussions about astrology over the years, we've had a major influence on each other's work.

Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation; she is skilled at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your connection with your own inner wisdom.

Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise work with you regardless of geographic boundaries.

Ro's website is at YourSoulJourney.com

She can also be reached at roloughran@comcast.net

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Submissions sent to the Free Will Astrology Weekly Newsletter or in response to "homework assignments" may be published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion, including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will Astrology column, and Free Will Astrology website. We reserve the right to edit such submissions for length, style, and content. Requests for anonymity will be honored with submissions; otherwise, reader names, screen names, or initials will be used. Please be sure to note your preference when sending to us. We are not responsible for unsolicited submission of any creative material.

Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright 2009 Rob Brezsny

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