A while ago, my walking partner asked me if I planned to attend a Chamber of Commerce meeting the following morning. Not thinking much about the question I told him that I only attend periodically and planned to go. Shortly thereafter, he asked about the agenda at the meetings. I explained about the networking and the local town updates when he asked about the ages of those attending. Thinking this was a weird question, I simply said all ages. He then asked about the cost. I explained that as a member, there is no cost. With that last question, I left to go home.
The following morning as I'm looking for the parking valet, he was standing there letting me know that he had already looked around inside. I felt as though I was being stalked and told him that I plan to go inside by myself and felt outraged and uncomfortable that he was there.
He could have simply asked me if it would be appropriate for him to join me as my guest. That would have been simple and direct (even though I would have said no for several reasons). Instead, he chose to circumvent what he really wanted to know. This incident created mistrust, uneasiness, and the creeps. We no longer walk together.
When people give out hints hoping the other person will respond the way they want, they set up uncertainty and mistrust. When you don't know where things stand and there is a nagging doubt, it's challenging to be in relationship.
My role wasn't to find out why so many questions but rather to request that he ask directly about what he really wants. Going forward, I hope to respond differently when I feel the manipulation game going on.
A client had a similar experience. She explained that her boyfriend mentioned that he needed to buy a suit and was afraid that without assistance he might not make a good choice. He went on to explain that he has had difficulty in the past when it came to buying clothes. Instead of replying "Does this mean you want me to come along?" she simply told him that if he wants her to accompany him, he needs to ask her instead of implying that he wants her to come along. She made it clear that insinuation causes tension and skepticism.
It's important to make the communication between people free of implication and hinting. It is essential to insist that the person ask us directly if they want something from us. And, it's likely that the person knows exactly what they are doing - manipulating.
When people use a straightforward approach, you never have to guess what they are thinking because they are sure to let you know. You don't have to wonder if there is some ulterior motive. You know where you stand. They are trustworthy and clear.
There is a feeling of safety around direct and honest people. More importantly, it creates respectful relationships. It doesn't mean that you have to share more than what you feel is comfortable, but it does mean that whatever you do share is the truth without any games.
Please note there is a distinction between direct that is honest and sincere and direct that is hurtful. There is a WAY to be direct that is free of motive or judgment.
A message was posted on a forum whereby someone stated something that was honest but also made her vulnerable. A person replied by stating that she needs help with her problem. It was direct but also inappropriate and hurtful. She wasn't asking for anyone's help.
Just as we want people to be direct and straightforward with us so that it feels safe, we need to be direct and straightforward about what we want.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think of a time when you felt manipulated because someone wasn't direct and upfront. Think about how you might respond knowing that 'calling them on it' clears the air quickly.
Also, think about a time when you wanted to ask for something, but because of your own self-doubt, or thinking it might be an imposition, etc. you chose instead to hint or insinuate what you really wanted without coming out and saying it. How might you do that differently the next time?
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-13. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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