Love yourself first and everything falls into line. Lucille Ball
It's not your job to like me - it's mine. - Byron Katie
The first time I heard George Benson's version of The Greatest Love of All (long before Whitney Houston), one line that struck me profoundly.... Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
It seemed like a foreign concept. How could I ever truly love myself when I've made so many mistakes, made some awful choices, said some things I regret, etc.?
Think about how many times someone asks you what you want for your life and often your response is more like "I know that I don't want...." What stops us from being able to know without question exactly what we do want?
After attending a full day conference with Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson, among others, I looked for a common theme out of the 8 or 9 presentations. It seemed clear that each person's story of rising up from the bottom of despair to something powerful was consistently about learning to know and love themselves.
It seems odd, if you think about it, that we have tremendous difficulty truly loving ourselves. Narcissists aside, they appear to love themselves (on the outside - not from deep inside). Our tendency is to minimize and stifle our dreams, talents, and strengths for fear that we might appear conceited or arrogant. Or, that we will succeed and that will bring consequences. Or, that we will fail again as in the past and prove that we are not worthy.
One thing that was said at the conference that stood out: Although we tend to believe that fear is our number one killer, it is actually doubt. Think about all of the times you didn't move forward, or make a certain choice to go for what you really wanted because you doubted that:
--it was possible,
--you could achieve it,
--you were good enough, strong enough, smart enough, etc.
We get so focused on a past mistake, a missed opportunity we let go by, a putdown we bought into and accepted as truth, that we don't realize that at any moment, we are capable of something new and possible.
We are experts at beating ourselves up if we don't live up to our standards. As humans, we need comfort and nurturing, not criticism. Yet, we are masters of condemning ourselves and of self-doubt.
How can we go about learning to love ourselves with all of our faults, misgivings, and past choices?
We must realize that the past is part of being human. We must learn to forgive ourselves and look at what we have learned from things that didn't go as we had hoped.
Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances say or do.
Consistently, we send negative messages to ourselves. Examples:
I'm stupid. What was I thinking?
Why can't I figure this out? Everyone else can.
It's all my fault.
Each time you hear that 'negative' message, you can quickly change it to something more true and nurturing.
Examples: I'm a loser. -- That wasn't the best choice, and next time, I'll choose differently.
I should know better. -- I didn't realize other options and that's okay.
That was really dumb. -- I did my best in the moment.
Build in (not fit in) what helps you flourish. Add fun activities, surround yourself with good people, develop a hobby, allow time just for you, etc. Do at least one thing every day that makes you feel good.
We may have allowed others to treat us poorly. Wasn't that enough? Let's not repeat that and instead treat ourselves well.
Cheryl Richardson (Oprah coach) spent the last few days with Debbie Ford (prominent author) before she died and shared her message.....
"Please tell people that they do not cause their own illness - it's a ridiculous notion that creates so much needless pain. All illness, including my cancer, is an invitation to love ourselves more," she insisted. With her signature shadow laugh, she added, "The truth is, in the end, that's what life is all about anyway - learning to love ourselves more."
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
The next time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself, see if you can quickly change it to something more truthful. Stop criticizing, start praising and forgiving yourself.
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-13. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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