"A horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence." Pat Brown
Just as a movie projector projects images onto a screen, unknowingly, people project thoughts and feelings onto others.
Mary keeps insisting to her friend Sue: You must be so angry that he didn't call you. Sue responds by saying: Actually, I'm not angry - perhaps disappointed but actually totally fine with it.
What just happened? While it seems that Mary made an interpretation (or guess) as to how her friend must be feeling, in reality, SHE was angry that the guy didn't call Sue. Instead of owning her own feeling of anger, Mary made it as if that is Sue's feeling.
Very often we are not willing to admit (or don't know) what we are really feeling. Whether it's excitement or disgust, we feel as though we have to protect someone we care about. What shows up seems like genuine caring, but in reality, it is a lack of acknowledging our own feelings.
I was working with a client whose boyfriend kept accusing her of cheating. He even named the person with whom he thought she was having the affair. She couldn't understand why he kept insisting. Finally, it was revealed that he was contemplating cheating on her. Rather than the boyfriend admitting and recognizing his undesirable thoughts and feelings, he projects them onto his girlfriend.
The phenomenon of projection is a strategy that can reduce stress by denying what someone is really feeling. When we don't want to admit - even to ourselves on a conscious level what we are thinking and feeling, we might choose to project those feelings onto someone else.
This often happens in the work setting. A client consistently complained that her boss intensely disliked her, but obviously they were forced to work together. What was really true was that she intensely disliked her boss. Instead, of acknowledging that (and dreading to go to work every day), she projected those feelings onto her boss and claimed it was the other way around.
If we look at this from the 'other side' - we may experience someone telling us how we feel about something (or should feel), and it behooves us to recognize that this could be simply projection and really isn't about us. While me may agree, we can also consider that perhaps it isn't what we are feeling and therefore the feelings belong to the other person.
In the first example with Mary and Sue... Because Mary insists that anger is appropriate, Sue begins to doubt herself and feels annoyed with Mary. Perhaps she 'should' be angry because Mary is so adamant about it. Unless and until she recognizes that Mary is projecting her anger, Sue will be in self-doubt about feeling fine with it. One clue that it is projection might be when our emotional reaction to the other person seems out of proportion to the situation at hand.
Often, we find projection gets in the way because we believe that everyone thinks the way we do. Not everyone shares my ethics around integrity. I do what I say I will do. I make it a point of being on time, and if I'm running late, I let the person know, take responsibility, and apologize. Clearly, others don't necessarily share these values in the exact same way. So I get disappointed, surprised, and frustrated when I realize that other people do things differently. When someone is late, my inclination is to feel disrespected. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm doing what others often do. I'm projecting my values onto others and 'assuming' they think the same way, and that is a set up for dissatisfaction.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think of times when you were disappointed in someone else because they didn't respond or act as you had hoped. Then think about the implications:
Perhaps you were disappointed in your own behavior;
Perhaps you believed the other person would respond/act exactly as you would in the situation.
Each time you imagine that other people will respond, act, think the same way that you do, you are setting yourself up for surprise, disappointment, and frustration.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-11. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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