Always design a thing by considering it in its next larger context - a chair in a room, a room in a house, a house in an environment, an environment in a city plan. Eliel Saarinen
Imagine someone walking up to you and asking "Are you naturally blonde?" or "How much money to you earn?" You would likely find these questions inappropriate and probably offensive.
Now imagine if you were asked exactly the same way but it was placed into context. "I'm admiring your hair color and wondering if you are naturally blonde or if it's a color I can get for my hair?
Far too often, people ask questions and make statements out of context because the rest of the thoughts around it remain in the mind. Of all the thoughts, only one piece is articulated. Example: I wonder what he does for a living because he lives in that huge house and drives an expensive car. He and his family travel often, so it seems as though they are wealthy. I wonder how much money he makes.
While it may not be a literal question to ask someone, for obvious reasons, you can see how the question could arise based on the thoughts preceding it.
A client was relaying a story about meeting his girlfriend at an event. Apparently, she arrived ahead of him. She called and asked "Where are you?" He was within minutes of the event, and said "I'm almost there, why are you asking?" She got annoyed at his questioning her. She merely wanted a timeframe because the line was long, and she was hoping he would arrive before she got inside. Had she simply said "There's a long line, and I'm hoping you'll be here in time - where are you?" there wouldn't have been a problem because he would have known why she was asking.
When we hear questions or statements out of context, it can seem as though we are being interrogated, investigated, doubted, scrutinized, judged, etc.
I often tell my coaching students a personal story of how I learned about context - the hard way. I was on vacation with a friend who was folding a blanket in a way I had never seen before. I questioned - "What are you doing with that blanket?" I was told that he wished I had explained why I wanted to know. I couldn't understand what made my question a problem. Several hours later, out of the blue, he asked me "What size bra do you wear?" My head spun around as I said "Why would you want to know something like that?" The reply: "So you can understand what it feels like when a question is out of context."
Placing into context means including what comes before and after a question or statement. This helps to explain its full meaning. Creating a framework for delivering a message is a thoughtful technique.
A friend shared a story after going to a party with her boyfriend. Driving home, she asked him, "What were you talking about with those women?" He didn't want to answer the question. He said, "Let me explain what I would much prefer." "I really value our relationship and care about you. When I saw you talking with those women, I realized I was a bit jealous and am curious as to what you were talking about." She immediately noticed the difference.
When we include context, especially when sharing something delicate, chances are the other person can actually hear what is being said and consider it. In a situation where feedback is being offered that potentially could be uncomfortable, it is critical to include context so the person can hear the message and respond vs. react and feel defensive.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think about a time when you were asked a question or told something, and as a result, you felt awful. Likely, there was no context.
When you want to share something potentially difficult to hear or perhaps painful, although true, put it into context so that the delivery doesn't create damage, and the person can hear what has been shared. Even a question is easier to answer when we know why we are asked in the first place.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-11. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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