Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. Robert Frost
What makes it so difficult to stay on our side of the fence? As human beings, we are always curious, inquiring, wanting to know more. However, there is a line that we should not cross. Although it is tempting and attractive, it puts us on the 'other side of the fence' and that means in someone else's business.
When we show too much curiosity about other people's affairs, or get invested in unanswerable questions, we have crossed the line. Crossing over the fence is subtle and pervasive.
When my 1 1/2 year relationship recently ended, I found myself wondering 'what is he thinking? doing?' Thoughts that have no answers and distract me from dealing with 'What am I thinking?/feeling?"
What do I need to do for me? What will help me move forward? Those are big questions, and it seems easier to look 'over there' instead of facing my sadness and disappointment. We can spend a lot of time wondering, when in actuality, unless we get answers, we are 'over there' instead of being with ourselves.
Far too often, we have perceptions and ideas about people and their situations. Speculation is pointless because we don't have facts, but more importantly it takes us away from looking at what we are feeling in the moment about the situation. It's hard to admit (and face) that oftentimes, when we are 'over the fence' it's because we aren't dealing with our feelings.
Going 'over the fence' keeps us from looking inward, but in the end, it is a disservice. We only move forward in healthy ways when first we recognize, address, and face our fear, anger, frustration, envy, or whatever feeling arises. Often, we tend to ignore those feelings (or at least acknowledging them) and instead focus on the other person.
Examples:
I was at a luncheon when a woman reminded another woman that she had mentioned wanting to leave early as if she was her timekeeper. It easily demonstrated what it looks like when we are caught up in someone else's business.
A client felt disturbed by an antagonistic relationship with a co-worker. Instead of focusing first on her discomfort and fear of confrontation, she focused on the co-worker and wondered what was her problem and second-guessing her motives.
My friend was asked to watch her grandchildren. She planned to tell her son how he should arrange his time so it would match her schedule. Instead, she simply needed to share her time constraints. It's on her son's 'side of the fence' how he works it out.
A client (music teacher), prepares students for admission to a prestigious choir. Two of his students revealed difficulty with harmony. He provided consistent feedback to help them hone this skill. After no improvement, he predicted their rejection and could not offer a needed recommendation. He dreaded sharing the news because he was so concerned with their feelings and disappointment. What finally helped him was the knowledge that he is not responsible beyond providing his expertise, guidance, and feedback. Both what they do with the information, and then how they react to the news, is on THEIR side of the fence.
On an e-mail list, "Joe" didn't agree with something posted regarding his area of expertise. He wanted to prove that "Sue" was wrong and that her interpretation skews the facts. Joe took responsibility for Sue's statement and was so invested in straightening out the facts instead of staying on his side and simply providing his knowledge.
Life is much simpler and more freeing when we take responsibility for ourselves -only. Unfortunately, so often we 'remind' or 'speculate' or 'set the record straight' instead of staying on our own side and minding our business. Controlling our own lives takes enough energy.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Notice when you might be 'over the fence' because you are:
- Caretaking - concerned about someone else's reaction or feelings
- Meddling - overly curious and/or wanting to tell others what to do
- Speculating and/or wanting external validation -guessing and/or wanting the okay from others
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-11. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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