The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul. Rona Barrett
We know that men have a reputation for not asking for directions. But it's both men and women who, in general, have a hard time asking for help. We have so many preconceived, silly ideas about what it really means.
There seems to be a feeling of shame, not deserving, or 'how come I can't do this on my own" when we think about asking for help.
What prevents us is our own thoughts and perceptions. We judge OURSELVES as small and incapable.
How many times in a group setting are we afraid to admit we don't know something and don't ask? Then someone else asks the same question, and we realize it was a logical question and there's nothing wrong with not knowing the answer.
G-d helps those who help themselves. Algernon Sidney
Source: Discourse Concerning Government
This is a common expression but unfortunately misinterpreted as fierce independence. Note the source of the expression! Relying on ourselves can be a positive, but it depends upon the context. And, help can be used as manipulation and guilt tripping. This occurs when someone 'uses help' as a way to get attention or meet some other need. One client shared that her aunt consistently asks for assistance. She recognized that help in this instance is not her real need. When we help for the wrong reasons, we wind up feeling resentful.
Often we think: I wouldn't dare ask for help for myself when someone else needs it more than I do.
Caregivers, teachers, therapists, coaches, nurses, etc. are in the constant role of providing help. Characteristically, these people are great at offering help but lousy at receiving it. Often, they are stuck with the idea that their 'role' is to help and that they are unimportant and undeserving. Unfortunately, it's these very people who could use a great deal of help to relieve some of their burden. Yet, there is a fear about seeming selfish when in fact, it would actually be self-care. That is VERY different.
Self-care is literally that - caring for oneself but not at the expense of another person. It means that if we care for ourselves, we can give fully to others. Otherwise, we exhaust ourselves and wind up resentful.
Being able to ask for help is a sign of courage and strength. It means that we admit to ourselves and to others that we are human. There are some things that we naturally do well and others that don't readily come to us.
Recently, an event hostess gave me a container with something inside that she wanted me to have. I attempted to open it after reading the instructions but couldn't. I told her that I am a smart person but the directions are confusing and could she please help me. She said that it doesn't take smarts to open it, and that she was sure I could figure it out. At first I was angry thinking 'how dare she.....' After a few moments, I realized that it wasn't about me (something was going on with her), and I simply put the container down and walked away.
Some people don't want to help - for whatever reason. That's something for each person to decide for themselves. Asking for help doesn't mean that you will get it when and how you want it. It simply means that you realize that it would be a lot more efficient or effective with assistance.
Create a win-win situation - offer when you can and allow someone to help you.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think about a time when you consciously dug your heels in and decided to do something on your own. How much better, faster, easier would it have been if you had asked for assistance? Give someone a chance to feel good about themselves.
Think about a time when you have offered or answered a plea for help. How good did you feel that you were able to do something for someone else that really didn't take a great deal of effort on your part but made a huge difference for the person? Don't deprive others of the opportunity to help you.
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-10. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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