When people communicate, they believe that they are making clear points and being heard. As the receiver, often we know otherwise. Therefore, it behooves you to become more aware of HOW and WHAT you say if you really want to be heard. Otherwise, why bother speaking?
A study was conducted measuring several aspects of communication such as: Empathizing, receiving the message, understanding, giving/receiving feedback, transmitting your message, etc.
A fascinating statistic (in my mind) was that the 'self-assessment' score was consistently higher than the supervisor or the peer had rated the person. In other words, we think we are doing a great job of communicating, but the people around us don't necessarily agree.
In actuality, it is crucial that we learn how to speak in a way that helps us get what we want and in a way that other people can actually hear us.
Which one would you prefer?
"I'm sorry. I tried to get it done but so many things got in my way, and I just didn't have enough time."
or
"I planned to complete it, but unfortunately that isn't the case."
You speak all the time. What message are you delivering? Do others understand what you really mean? what you need? what you are feeling?
Have you ever found yourself beating around the bush because you were afraid to say what was really on your mind?
And
Have you ever just blurted out what was really on your mind and then had regrets about being so blunt?
Language is not easy - and communicating requires skill.
Communication patterns may be learned early on. As adults, we learn that it's okay to express ourselves - and the key is to be honest using the "I" message. (Read "I" Message: Why Bother? 4/21/2004 - http://home.ezezine.com/23_2).
Especially when you are fearful, angry, or hurt, the tendency is to complicate what we say and/or skirt around it, babble, and many other tactics except for saying what you want to say simply and clearly, thereby dishonoring yourself. Example: It's not a problem that you can't come for dinner because there will be other people and maybe another time will work. vs. I am disappointed that you can't join me for dinner.
At a conference, someone told a long detailed story about a decision she needed to make. Cheryl Richardson (Coach extraordinaire) simply asked "What's in your heart?" The simple, direct question stopped the woman in her tracks. She smiled and said, "Thank you, now I know what I need to do."
We need to practice communicating in healthy ways, and it's easiest to do so with a person with whom we feel safe and comfortable.
A client was angry because her friend was particularly late. When he called, she blasted him about not being there. He asked "What are you really saying?" Then she got out of the emotional place and said, "I'm frustrated and I'm jealous that someone else has your time besides me." He replied, "I'll be there as soon as I can." Once we express what we want or feel simply and directly, the other person can hear us. When we babble and ramble, it may feel good in the moment, bit it isn't helping us make our point known.
Sometimes you may need to delay your response and give yourself time to think and figure out what you feel: "I reserve the right to revisit this conversation." It is also okay to prepare ahead of time for a difficult conversation.
Are you feeling as though you should say or not say something in a certain way? Should's mean that it isn't really coming from our thinking but rather an outside source (society, parents, teachers, etc.)
When your heart and mind are clear, you are able to speak simply and directly. If you are cluttered with 'shoulds', what if's, fear, emotion, or judgments, your message is cloudy.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
You may have been the recipient or are guilty of any of the following:
- noticed you were tuning out because you had no clue about what was being said?
- got bored because the person was including so many details?
- were spoken to in a condescending manner as if you couldn't possibly understand?
- couldn't figure out what is wanted or asked for because it sounded so tentative? (I am just..., I only..., I'm not sure..., I guess....)
- sarcastic comments that, at their core, are really mockery, ridicule, or contempt?
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-09. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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