Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. Audre Lorde
"I wish he would understand how hurt I am." "I wish she would stop taking advantage of me." "I want him to apologize and feel sorry for what he did."
It's so much easier for us to want 'the other' person to change rather than look inward. Often after an encounter, we might be feeling hurt, annoyed, sad, disappointed, etc. and instead of acknowledging that, we want the other person involved to own up to their part 'for causing us' to have these feelings.
We really think that the solution to our pain or frustration is about the other person doing what we need or want to feel better. However, this means that we would always need another person to make things okay for us instead of facing our feelings and examining what is actually going on.
In reality, the healthy way to solve our disquieting feelings is to first acknowledge what they are. Sounds simple, but for many people, this is very difficult. Even accessing what is going on - other than "I'm upset" is hard for people to figure out. It's difficult to face pain or hurt head on and for some challenging to admit anger.
A client shared feeling 'picked on' by her boss. She wanted to know what she could say or do to make her boss stop this behavior. Before ever going there, she had to come to terms with how she was feeling when this occurred. At first, she simply shared that it was annoying and bothersome. But with some introspection, she realized she felt 'less than' as though she wasn't good enough. She then understood that she was attempting to compensate for this by trying so hard to go above and beyond, not being recognized, and thus frustrated.
The good news is that once she had this awareness, she could understand her feelings and know how she could feel better about herself - no matter what external situation occurs.
By going through this process, she realized that it really didn't have much to do with her boss. Overall, she was feeling 'less than' and when her boss behaved in a particular way, she made an interpretation about herself. This is very common.
The old cliche about happiness comes from within applies whenever we want to blame someone else for our feelings. Yes, they may have triggered us or stirred up those feelings in us, but it is up to us to first identify and then work through the feelings.
While there is nothing wrong with the "I" message - when you do this, I feel..... but frequently, the feelings are not really clear at first. And often, working through the feelings and accepting that we are only responsible for ourselves helps us to either articulate an appropriate message or helps to diminish the feelings from taking over.
Another client was disturbed and relieved when he was let go from his job (along with many co-workers). He had felt tension on a daily basis causing stress and anxiety. Because he had seniority, he didn't believe it would happen to him. Afterwards, he discovered that his boss could have fought to keep him in the department. When he learned this, at first he felt angry, hurt, and disappointed. He kept blaming his boss for his situation.
Through discussions, he realized that he played a part in the decision. It didn't dawn on him until he examined what transpired over the past year. It occurred to him that as much as he fostered great relationships with his subordinates, he hadn't done so with his superiors. He felt as though he should have been promoted instead of passed over. Then he concluded the reason was a feeling of resentment. Instead of acknowledging those feelings, on a subconscious level he distanced himself from upper management .
Until we can acknowledge what we are literally feeling, chances are we will act out.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
-- When, if ever, have you really 'sat' with your feelings until you realized exactly what they were?
-- How many times have you thought "I'm sad" or "I'm angry" when actually, there were more expressive feelings going on such as 'hurt' or 'disappointed'?
Next time a troubling feeling arises, wait until you know exactly what it is. That's the first step toward helping it dissipate and taking care of yourself.
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-13. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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