I still remember when the girl behind me (in 3rd grade) needed assistance with a spelling word. Knowing the answer, I turned around to help her. And, I also remember the teacher getting angry with me and for years could not understand how that could have been 'wrong' or 'bad.'
When we don't allow other people a chance to do things on their own - even if we see that they might be choosing poorly, we are taking away from someone's opportunity for learning. Also, we are sending a message that we believe they aren't capable. This doesn't apply if we can be absolutely sure, without question, that the person will be harmed.
The problem arises when we 'believe' that someone will feel anguish or suffer consequences. Yet, sometimes, that is exactly what is supposed to happen. The classic example is a parent insisting that their child do their homework assignment. Naturally, there would be consequences if it isn't done, but it wouldn't be fatal. Now imagine if the child is allowed to learn that not doing homework equals a punishment. What a great lesson and one that would likely be applicable to other areas of life.
A client was taking disproportionate responsibility for an aging parent. What we discovered is that he was protecting his younger siblings from taking responsibility since he typically shouldered most of the family burdens. He was convinced that it wouldn't be fair to have any of them share equally and had all sorts of reasons and excuses as to why they should be 'off the hook.'
What we fail to realize when we don't allow someone to fail or take responsibility, we are actually depriving that person of an important experience. And, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and often become resentful.
A client shared a story about teaching her daughter how to shred a zucchini. She noticed that her daughter was doing it differently. She stopped to demonstrate again, but her daughter explained that she liked her own way better. Ultimately, the task was accomplished, and my client felt good about letting her daughter have her own experience.
Helping other people is a good thing. You should give help to someone who needs it. You are enabling a person when you're helping them and they're perfectly capable of doing it for themselves. It becomes a negative when we believe we are sparing or protecting someone. Or, when we fear consequences, such as the person getting angry, so we stay quiet and allow the behaviors to continue.
A related story...
The Struggle (Author Unknown)
A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth and took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon.
One day when a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress and seemed to be stuck.
In his kindness, he decided to help the moth by taking a pair of scissors and snipping off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the moth expecting that, at any moment, the wings would expand or the body would contract. Neither happened.
In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings and was never was able to fly.
What the man did not understand was that the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
If something appears to be difficult or potentially a problem for another person:
- Do you allow that person the opportunity to have his/her own experience - no matter what outcome you predict?
- Do you look for the easy way out, stay quiet, and take on full responsibility?
- Do you butt in and take the potential negative consequence out of their realm of possibility?
Think of a time when you tried something that didn't work out. What lesson(s) did you learn? What if you hadn't had the 'privilege' of learning those lessons - even if it was the hard way? What would be different?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-11. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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*NOTEWORTHY* --N E W: YouTube Interview with Life Coach Marion where she talks about her Laser Coaching program, Mentor Practicum groups, her mission as a coach and trainer, and her timeless Life's Little Lessons newsletters. Her expertise is getting to the root of the problem efficiently (laser), skillful direct communication, and creating permanent change in perspective.
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