Typically, once someone has hurt us, our inclination is to shy away, shut down, and perhaps avoid the person for fear of it happening again. Ironically, that gives our power over to the other person and diminishes us.
This issue is based upon a concept from the book: The Five Things We Cannot Change... and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them by David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T.
The premise is that there are five 'givens' or truths about life. If we can accept and completely embrace them, we find liberation and happiness.
Logically, it makes perfect sense. Richo talks about 5 concepts that cause undue stress and pain in our lives. The focus here is on one of the five: People are not loving and loyal all the time.
The Given | Our Fear Around It | How We Mask Our Fear | What to Embrace |
People are not always loving and loyal | We will feel hurt and have to grieve | Stay away from closeness in the future | Speak up and say "Ouch!" while not retaliating |
In retrospect she has regrets. She realized that by speaking up and saying "Ouch!" or accepting the apology, she would have immediately released any thoughts of the incident. Instead, she held on to the negative energy and wasn't true to herself.
All too often, our tendency is to dismiss or minimize painful things because of the fear and ideas we have invented. We fear that it will be too upsetting to address.
On the contrary, the sooner we address the pain, the sooner we can move on. Oftentimes, when we dismiss it, we want to retaliate. We may plot and plan as to how we will create 'payback' for the pain they inflicted. Unfortunately, that keeps the pain 'alive and well' instead of acknowledging it and getting on with our lives.
Another client shared an incident where he was in a group and a member disclosed confidential information about him. He knew in the moment that he was upset but dismissed it as "okay" because it related to the overall topic. Again, upon reflection - and still feeling pained, he realized that he needed to speak up in the moment and stop the person from continuing to speak about him. He sent a private e-mail expressing his disappointment and then felt able to let it go. The person responded with an explanation..... and my client let that be the last correspondence. (see http://home.ezezine.com/23_2) scroll to "Apology Accepted" 4/28/06
Imagine truly accepting the 'given' that people are not always loving and loyal. It makes it so much easier, on a grander scale, to know this and not get as ambushed when someone says something that isn't loving or loyal.
Envision how it would be when someone says something that pains you and you simply say "Ouch! that really bothered me." And, when (IF) the person apologizes, you simply say "thank you." When someone says something hurtful, we might be so upset or hurt in the moment that we become inflammatory with negative consequences. Rather than silence or retaliation, we can speak with the right to reserve further discussion. We could say something like "I have a problem with that but don't want to discuss it now."
By admitting there is pain when it occurs (or close to), we can let it go instead of harboring bad feelings.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think of a time when someone said something and you felt hurt. Rather than speak up, you simply retreated or believed that you would move on. You can probably still recall the incident. That probably means that you haven't really let it go because it wasn't properly addressed at the time.
We can't change the past; we can only live in the present. From this point forward, perhaps you can vow to practice acknowledging pain in the moment or shortly thereafter.
And, if someone apologizes, simply say, 'thank you' so there won't be any residue or negative energy remaining.
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-09. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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Marion Franklin, MS, MCC and Nina East, IAC-CC, Lead Certifier