Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
April 11, 2018
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See a pretty version of this newsletter: http://bit.ly/YouSpeakTruths
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Exclusive!_The Beauty and Truth Lab reports the news before it happens!
In this special report, our psychic journalists bring you the stories that
haven't happened yet -- but will:
A new breed of well_read, charismatic homeless people will arise. They'll
spread understanding and laughter through their communities, and will be
routinely feasted in the homes of grateful citizens.
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A Constitutional Convention will produce a New Bill of Rights. Among its
new amendments: All Americans must be rewarded financially in direct
proportion to how much beauty they create.
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One of the bestselling self-help books of the decade will be *The Zen of
Juicy Sacred Radical Temper Tantrums.*
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Biologists in Sweden will furnish conclusive evidence that men have
"periods" analogous to a woman's menstrual cycle. They seem to
correspond to changes in the relationship between Earth and the planet
Mars, the biologists will claim.
At the peak of the male "marstral cycle," which can last up to 10 days a
month, the adrenal glands release a hormone that makes men more likely
to be irritable, more skilled at disguising their irrational impulses with
logical explanations, out of touch with their feelings, and prone to
violence and poor judgment.
There's also a vulnerable phase preceding the period, which the biologists
will dub PMS, or Pathological Macho Stress.
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Having one billion dollars solely for your own personal use will become a
crime.
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There'll be gay trees, holistic crack, a new class of aphrodisiacs that
stimulate compassion even more than sexual desire, and computers that
can talk to the Goddess.
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There'll be new interactive video games with socially redeeming value. In
one of the best models, kids must negotiate all seven levels of Buddhist
enlightenment with a Smurf-like character who resembles the Dalai-Lama.
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The average length of an act of heterosexual intercourse in America --
which is currently only four minutes -- will jump to 22 minutes.
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The national murder rate will plummet when "The Hedonistic Midwife
Channel," a new cable TV network, begins to broadcast live childbirths 24
hours a day.
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Researchers will uncover stunning evidence that vegetables have an
intensity of consciousness and feeling much closer to that of animals than
has previously been suspected. Many vegetarians will renounce their
previous diets and swear to eat only milk and honey.
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Surgeons will begin to perform foreskin reimplantations. After a major
study of the psychology of rapists suggests that many men confuse sex
with violence because of the post-natal trauma of circumcision, thousands
of males will attempt to heal their psyches by having pseudo-foreskins
grafted on, using patches of skin from elsewhere on their bodies.
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The government will pay subsidies to some lawyers so they won't practice
law—much as it now pays supermarket chains to keep cheese off the
market when there is too much and the excess would bring prices down.
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True "personality" as we know it will begin to die out as more and more
people perform imitations of composite characters they've assembled in
their mind's eye by watching celebrities they admire.
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Dolphins will cease to be smarmy symbols of nature at its cutest when
the public becomes aware that they're among the horniest creatures
extant. An exposé will reveal that dolphins are sexually active from birth,
females are wildly promiscuous, and adolescent males are usually bisexual.
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A rowdy new class of genetic engineers will have little interest in creating
oil spill-eating bacteria, frost-resistant strawberries, or other useful
hybrids. Considering themselves to be a cross between computer hackers
and performance artists, they will create fun monstrosities that appeal to
their sense of play and perversity, like winged horses and trees that grow
leaves resembling one-hundred-dollar bills.
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A new grassroots political movement, Tax Patriots, will assert that paying
taxes is the greatest patriotic duty one can exercise, even more than
serving in the military.
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The US government will give back the Black Hills to the Lakota Indians,
Maine to the Passamaquody Penebscot, New Mexico to the Acoma Pueblo,
and the Saint Lawrence to the Mohawks.
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Pizza Hut will be bought by Oprah Winfrey, who will convert all the
existing restaurants into a world-wide chain of well-stocked vision-quest
sanctuaries known as "Menstrual Huts."
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A Sufi real estate magnate will build a chain of sacred shopping centers in
the American heartland.
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The preceding blips are excerpts from my book
*PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA*
It's available at Amazon: http://bit.ly/Pronoia
or Powells: http://bit.ly/PronoiaPowells
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WANT TO GET YOUR ASTROLOGICAL CHART READ?
If you want your personal chart done, I recommend a colleague whose
approach to reading astrology charts closely matches my own. She's my
wife, RO LOUGHRAN. We've been enjoying regular conversations about
astrology since 1989! Her website's here: http://www.roloughran.com
Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high
degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation. She is skilled
at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your
connection with your own inner wisdom.
In addition to over 30 years of astrological experience, Ro has been a
licensed psychotherapist for 17 years. This enables her to integrate
psychological insight with the cosmological perspective that astrology
offers.
Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise
work with you regardless of geographic boundaries.
Check out Ro's website at http://www.roloughran.com
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MORE PRONOIA RESOURCES:
The Ways Gratitude Can Also Make You Physically Healthier. Some
research suggests that grateful people may have better sleep, healthier
hearts, and fewer aches and pains.
https://tinyurl.com/yaldwjm2
After Thousands of Years, Western Science Is Slowly Catching Up to
Indigenous Knowledge. New research about how birds use fire to get a
broader food supply comes as no surprise to Indigenous people.
https://tinyurl.com/yak6owl6
No Price Tags: These Neighbors Built Their Own Economy Without Money.
Time-banking is a model for trading skills, goods, and labor instead of
money. There are close to 500 such banks across the country.
https://tinyurl.com/y9l5dqdx
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They aren't advertisements,
and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES:
Truthrooster@gmail.com.
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning April 12
Copyright 2018 by Rob Brezsny
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries statesman Thomas Jefferson was the
third President of the United States. He wrote one of history's most
famous documents, the Declaration of Independence. He was an architect,
violinist, inventor, and linguist who spoke numerous languages, as well as
a philosopher who was knowledgeable about mathematics, surveying, and
horticulture. But his most laudable success came in 1789, when he
procured the French recipe for macaroni and cheese while living in France,
and thereafter introduced the dish into American cuisine. JUST KIDDING!
I'm making this little joke in the hope that it will encourage you to keep
people focused on your most important qualities, and not get distracted
by less essential parts of you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In the early 1990s, Australian electrical
engineer John O'Sullivan toiled on a research project with a team of radio
astronomers. Their goal was to find exploding mini-black holes in the
distant voids of outer space. The quest failed. But in the process of doing
their experiments, they developed technology that became a key
component now used in Wi-Fi. Your digital devices work so well in part
because his frustrating misadventure led to a happy accident. According
to my reading of your astrological omens, Taurus, we may soon be able to
make a comparable conclusion about events in your life.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the fictional world created by DC Comics, the
superhero Superman has a secret identity as a modest journalist named
Clark Kent. Or is it the other way around? Does the modest journalist
Clark Kent have a secret identity as the superhero Superman? Only a few
people realize the two of them are the same. I suspect there is an equally
small number of allies who know who you really are beneath your
"disguises," Gemini. But upcoming astrological omens suggest that could
change. Are you ready to reveal more about your true selves? Would you
consider expanding the circle that is allowed to see and appreciate your
full range and depth?
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Playwright Tennessee Williams once spent an
evening trying to coax a depressed friend out of his depression. It inspired
him to write a poem that began like this: "I want to infect you with the
tremendous excitement of living, because I believe that you have the
strength to bear it." Now I address you with the same message,
Cancerian. Judging from the astrological omens, I'm convinced you
currently have more strength than ever before to bear the tremendous
excitement of living. I hope this news will encourage you to potentize
your ability to welcome and embrace the interesting puzzles that will
come your way in the weeks ahead.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Are you finished dealing with spacious places and
vast vistas and expansive longings? I hope not. I hope you will continue to
explore big bold blooming schemes and wild free booming dreams until at
least April 25. In my astrological opinion, you have a sacred duty to keep
outstripping your previous efforts. You have a mandate to go further,
deeper, and braver as you break out of shrunken expectations and push
beyond comfortable limitations. The unknown is still more inviting and
fertile than you can imagine.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Between December 5 and 9, 1952, London
was beset with heavy fog blended with thick smog. Visibility was low.
Traffic slowed and events were postponed. In a few places, people
couldn't see their own feet. According to some reports, blind people, who
had a facility for moving around without the aid of sight, assisted
pedestrians in making their way through the streets. I suspect that a
metaphorically comparable phenomenon may soon arise in your sphere,
Virgo. Qualities that might customarily be regarded as liabilities could at
least temporarily become assets.
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MY OTHER HOROSCOPES
Factual information and reasonable thinking alone are not sufficient to
guide you through life's labyrinthine tests. You need and deserve regular
deliveries of uncanny revelation.
One of your inalienable rights as a human being should therefore be to
receive mysteriously useful omens on a regular basis. In this spirit, I offer
you the free weekly horoscopes you read here.
If you ever want more, and think it's worth paying for, try my EXPANDED
AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four-to-five-minute meditations on the
current state of your destiny and where you're headed.
To listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope online, go to
http://RealAstrology.com.
Register and/or log in through the main page.
You can also listen over the phone by calling 1-877-873-4888.
The cost is $6 per sign on the Web (discounts available for bulk
purchases), or $1.99 per minute by phone.
The Expanded Audio Horoscopes work on most smart phones and tablets.
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"Your Expanded Audio Horoscopes provide me with the Rest of the Story.
I'm not necessarily a believer in the scientific accuracy of astrology, but I
do think you've got a lot of practical wisdom to impart."
- M. Tennenbaum, New York
"No one knows more about me than me. But you're right up there near
the top of the list of people who do understand something about how I
tick. How is that possible?"
- R. Goren, Albuquerque
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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your allies are always important, but in the
coming weeks they will be even more so. I suspect they will be your
salvation, your deliverance, and your treasure. So why not treat them like
angels or celebrities or celebrity angels? Buy them ice cream and concert
tickets and fun surprises. Tell them secrets about their beauty that no
one has ever expressed before. Listen to them in ways that will awaken
their dormant potentials. I bet that what you receive in return will inspire
you to be a better ally to yourself.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the coming weeks, I suspect you will be
able to find what you need in places that are seemingly devoid of what
you need. You can locate the possible in the midst of what's apparently
impossible. I further surmise that you will summon a rebellious
resourcefulness akin to that of Scorpio writer Albert Camus, who said, "In
the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the
midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the
midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. No
matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's
something stronger -- something better, pushing right back."
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In 1936, Herbert C. Brown graduated
from the University of Chicago with a bachelor's degree in science. His
girlfriend Sarah Baylen rewarded him with the gift of a two-dollar book
about the elements boron and silicon. Both he and she were quite poor;
she couldn't afford a more expensive gift. Brown didn't read the book for
a while, but once he did, he decided to make its subject the core of his
own research project. Many years later, he won the Nobel Prize in
Chemistry for his discoveries about the role of boron in organic chemistry.
And it all began with that two-dollar book. I bring this story to your
attention, Sagittarius, because I foresee you, too, stumbling upon a
modest beginning that eventually yields breakthrough results.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In 20 B.C., Rome's most famous poet was
Quintus Horatius Flaccus, known to us today as Horace. He prided himself
on his meticulous craftsmanship, and advised other writers to be equally
scrupulous. Once you compose a poem, he declared, you should put it
aside for nine years before deciding whether to publish it. That's the best
way to get proper perspective on its worth. Personally, I think that's too
demanding, although I appreciate the power that can come from
marshalling so much conscientiousness. And that brings me to a
meditation on your current state, Capricorn. From what I can tell, you may
be at risk of being too risk-averse; you could be on the verge of waiting
too long and being too cautious. Please consider naming a not-too-distant
release date.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Luckily, you have an inventive mind and an
aptitude for experimentation. These will be key assets as you dream up
creative ways to do the hard work ahead of you. Your labors may not
come naturally, but I bet you'll be surprised at how engaging they'll
become and how useful the rewards will be. Here's a tip on how to ensure
you will cultivate the best possible attitude: Assume that you now have
the power to change stale patterns that have previously been resistant to
change.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): May I suggest that you get a lesson in holy
gluttony from a Taurus? Or perhaps pick up some pointers in enlightened
self-interest from a Scorpio? New potential resources are available, but
you haven't reeled them in with sufficient alacrity. Why? Why oh why oh
why?! Maybe you should ask yourself whether you're asking enough.
Maybe you should give yourself permission to beam with majestic self-
confidence. Picture this: Your posture is regal, your voice is authoritative,
your sovereignty is radiant. You have identified precisely what it is you
need and want, and you have formulated a pragmatic plan to get it.
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Homework: In what circumstances do you tend to be smartest? When do
you tend to be dumbest? Testify at Freewillastrology.com.
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Submissions sent to Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
or in response to "homework assignments" may be
published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion,
including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will
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Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2018 Rob Brezsny
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