Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter http://ezezine.com
Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
March 30, 2011
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For a pretty, uncensored version of this newsletter, go here:
http://bit.ly/gCKg9S
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The revised and expanded version of my book *PRONOIA IS THE
ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA* is available at Amazon: http://bit.ly/Pronoia
and also at Powells: http://bit.ly/PronoiaPowells
Below is an excerpt from the book.
To read the entire piece, go here: http://bit.ly/NewsShock
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Exclusive!_The Beauty and Truth Lab reports the news before it happens!
In this special PNN report, our psychic journalists bring you the stories
that haven't happened yet -- but will!
Here are the prophecies the *National Enquirer* refused to publish!
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Conviviality Revolution_
A new breed of well-read, charismatic homeless people will arise. They'll
spread understanding and laughter through their communities, and will be
routinely feasted in the homes of grateful citizens.
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Love Upgrade_
The average length of an act of heterosexual lovemaking in North America
-- which is currently only four minutes -- will jump to 22 minutes.
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Lawyer Glut_
The government will pay subsidies to some lawyers so they won't practice
law -- much as it now pays supermarket chains to keep cheese off the
market when there is too much and the excess would bring prices down.
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Mutant Opinions_
Botched genetic experiments will create a strain of mutant bacteria that
causes infected victims to hate opinion polls.
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Book Futures
One of the bestselling self-help books of the decade will be *The Zen of
Juicy Sacred Radical Temper Tantrums.*
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Men's Time of the Month_
Biologists in Sweden will furnish conclusive evidence that men have
"periods" analogous to a woman's menstrual cycle. They seem to
correspond to changes in the relationship between Earth and the planet
Mars, the biologists will claim.
At the peak of the male "marstral cycle," which can last up to 10 days a
month, the adrenal glands release a hormone that makes men more likely
to be irritable, more skilled at disguising their irrational impulses with
logical explanations, out of touch with their feelings, and prone to
violence and poor judgment.
There's also a vulnerable phase preceding the period, which the biologists
will dub PMS, or Pathological Macho Stress.
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Genetic Performance Art
A rowdy new class of genetic engineers will have little interest in creating
oil spill-eating bacteria, frost-resistant strawberries, or other supposedly
useful hybrids. Considering themselves to be a cross between computer
hackers and performance artists, they will create fun monstrosities that
appeal to their sense of play and eccentricity, like winged horses and
trees that grow leaves resembling one-hundred-dollar bills.
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Homechurching_
As public schools continue to decline and private schools become more
expensive, increasing numbers of parents will homeschool their children.
As the pronoia meme spreads, an analogous phenomenon will arise among
religious groups. Called the "homechurch" movement by Christians, the
"homesynagogue" movement by Jews, and the "hometemple" movement
by other religious groups, it will consist of people creating altars and
conducting worship sessions in their own abodes. Seekers pursuing this
approach to spiritual communion will serve as their own priests,
priestesses, and rabbis.
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The Joy of Childbirth_
The national murder rate will plummet when "The Hedonistic Midwife
Channel," a new cable TV network, begins to broadcast live childbirths 24
hours a day.
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Sentient Vegetables_
Researchers will uncover stunning evidence that vegetables have an
intensity of consciousness and feeling much closer to that of animals than
has previously been suspected. Many vegetarians will renounce their
previous diets and swear to eat only fruit and nuts.
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Tax Love_
A new grassroots political movement, Tax Patriots, will assert that paying
taxes is the greatest patriotic duty one can exercise, even more than
serving in the military.
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Recovered Memories_
Under hypnosis, many adults will recall long-suppressed memories of joy
and peace experienced when they were children.
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TO READ THE ENTIRE PIECE, go here: http://bit.ly/NewsShock
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MORE PRONOIA RESOURCES:
YOU MAY BE A GREATER GENIUS THAN YOU REALIZE
10 Signs You Could Be The Chosen Savior
http://tinyurl.com/2dcmw5h
INNOVATIVE HEALING STRATEGIES
Finally, a Cure for Homophobia?
http://tinyurl.com/4b8uol2
EXPERIMENTS IN POETIC JUSTICE
Reality TV show: Six wealthy young fashion addicts never thought about
who makes their clothes -- until they were relocated to India, where they
worked in cotton fields and clothes factories. Find out whether they could
handle a sewing machine and meet the target of two garments a minute.
http://tinyurl.com/6mjx4l
TAKE IT EASY, RELAX, LET GO
NSFW
New Spiritual Technique
http://tinyurl.com/begq9c
OUR ALLIES TAKE MANY FORMS
Chewbacca riding a squirrel while fighting Nazis with a crossbow
http://i.imgur.com/8Sk6X.jpg
YES, SOME THINGS ARE DEFINITELY IMPROVING
The Best Before and After Images Ever
http://i.imgur.com/Eopfx.jpg
BRINGING LIFE TO THE DEAD SPOTS
Renegade Sax in Wal-Mart
http://tinyurl.com/4jp7g9s
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They are not advertisements,
and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own personal nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES.
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 31
Copyright 2011 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is an excellent time to study the book
*Jerkology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way -- and Getting Away
with it* (http://bit.ly/Jerkology). In fact, the cosmos would not only look
the other way if you acted on the principles described therein; the
cosmos is actively encouraging you to be a successful jerk. APRIL FOOL!
It's true that you're in a phase when it makes sense to be a little extra
selfish and eager to bend the world to meet your needs. But according to
my analysis, it's crucial that you do this politely and graciously.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's a great time to get a bosom expansion, a
joystick enlargement, a nose enhancement (if our nose is too tiny), or
surgery to elongate your tongue. Anything you could do to yourself in
order to stick out further and make a bigger impression would be in
harmonious alignment with the astrological omens. APRIL FOOL!
Everything I just said was a dirty lie. Here are the facts: It's high time to
work creatively and appreciatively with what nature has given you, not try
to force it to accommodate some soulless desire.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Between now and April 16, you really should
try to party every night. You should experiment with at least 100
different altered states of consciousness, and talk to at least 500
fascinating people, and explode with at least 800 fits of laughter, and
change your mind at least 1000 times. You need massive stimulation,
Gemini. You need record-breaking levels of variety and mood swings. Be
everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this might be
one of those times that the visionary poet William Blake was referring to
when he said, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," please
take care you don't end up slobbering face-down in the gutter without
any pants on halfway along the road of excess. Remember the goal: to
actually reach the palace of wisdom.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You have cosmic permission to brag like the
mega-popular quarterback on the undefeated high school football team.
You have poetic license to swagger and show off like a rock star who has
sold his soul for $30 million. You have my blessing if you'd like to act as if
everyone in the world should be more like you. APRIL FOOL! I was
exaggerating a little. It's true that you have every right to seize more
authority and feel more confident and spread your influence farther and
wider. But the best way to do that is to explore the mysteries of humble
courage and ply the art of magical truth-telling and supercharge your
willpower with a big dose of smart love.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): What is your most far-fetched desire? I dare you
to pursue it. What is the craving that would take you to the frontier of
your understanding about yourself? I urge you to indulge it. Which of your
primal wishes intimidates you as much as it enthralls you? I beg you to
embrace it. APRIL FOOL! I don't really think you should try to carry out
your most extreme fantasies. Maybe in a few weeks, but not now. I do
hope, however, that you spend some time this week getting to know
them better.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you develop symptoms like a dry mouth,
twitching eyebrows, sweaty palms, or goose bumps in places you don't
usually get them, you may be suffering from a malady called
anatidaephobia, which is the fear that you are being watched by a duck.
So please, Virgo, try to avoid places where ducks congregate. APRIL
FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will not contract an exotic affliction like
anatidaephobia any time soon. You may, however, notice yourself
experiencing waves of seemingly irrational elation; you may frequently feel
like something oddly good is about to happen. Why? Because according
to my analysis of the omens, you are more likely than usual to be watched
by secret admirers, future helpers, interesting strangers, and your
guardian angel.
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YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT MORE HELP AVAILABLE THAN YOU IMAGINE
What do you want to be when you grow up? Is it possible that you will
eventually develop beautiful capacities and sublime understandings that
you can't even imagine right now?
I might be able to help you move in the direction of becoming more of the
person you were born to be.
Tune in to my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES
Find out more at http://RealAstrology.com.
The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888.
"The best part about your audio horoscopes is that they pat me on the
head and kick me in the ass at the same time." - Rita L., San Diego
"Your audio oracles go beyond helping me find the truth -- they inspire
me to find the WILD truth." - Patrick K., Montreal
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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you're a straight man, this would be a good
time to ask Halle Berry on a date. If you're a straight woman, you'll have a
better-than-usual chance to get Jake Gyllenhaal to go out with you. If
you're a gay man, you might want to try your luck with Adam Lambert,
and if you're a lesbian, I encourage you to propose a rendezvous with
Portia de Rossi. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It's never a good time to try to hook
up with unavailable dream girls or dream guys. I will say this, though: You
now have extraordinary power to turn yourself into a better partner, ally,
and lover. And that suggests it's well within your means to cultivate a
more exciting kind of intimacy.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "Dear Rob: I just walked in on my boyfriend
of over a year in bed with another woman. My mind is beyond blown; it's a
splay of sparks in a drenched sky, a fireworks display in a downpour. Any
advice on moving forward? Shocked Scorpio." Dear Shocked: I'll tell you
what I'd like to tell all Scorpios right now: Start plotting your wicked
revenge. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, revenge would be a dumb waste of
your precious time. Any surprises that come your way in the coming days
are basically disguised gifts from life to get you back on course. Use their
motivational energy wisely and gratefully.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's an ideal time for you to explore the
intimate wonders of ecosexuality. Nature's libidinous pleasures are calling
to you. How about trying some amorous experiments with trees and
waterfalls? Or skinny-dipping in wetlands and doing skyclad seduction
dances for the clouds? Or making out with oyster mushrooms right where
they grow up out of a fallen log? APRIL FOOL! It's true that this is a good
time to expand your sensual repertoire and seek out new sensations of
intimate bliss, but it's quite possible to accomplish that by confining your
communion to human beings.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The astrological omens are practically
screaming for you to go out and buy a luxurious new home in your ideal
neighborhood. Preferably it should have every feature you've ever
dreamed about, whether that's a cinema-scale theater room or a spa with
a sauna and hot tub. If you have to go deep into debt to make this
happen, that's fine. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. It *is* an excellent time for
you to upgrade your domestic scene, either by making comfortable and
attractive changes in the decor of your current home or by enhancing
your relationships with your family and roommates. But there's no need
to make crazy expenditures that will cripple you financially. In fact, cheap
is probably better. That's what the astrological omens are *really*
suggesting.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It's absolutely critical for you to be
consistent and uniform right now. You must be pure, homogeneous, and
regular. Don't you dare dabble with anything that's even vaguely
miscellaneous. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a lie. In astrological
fact, the best way to thrive is by being a cross between a mishmash and
a medley . . . by being part hodgepodge and part amalgamation. Your
strongest impact will come from blending the most diverse influences.
The best elixir will result from mixing several different potions.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I hope you take full advantage of this unusual
moment in your astrological cycle, Pisces. According to my interpretation
of the cosmic signs, it's prime time to unleash an ocean of tears. And not
just the kind of moisture that wells up out of sadness, either. I hope you
will give even more time to crying because of unreasonable joy, sobbing
due to cathartic epiphanies, weeping out of compassion for the suffering
of others, and blubbering activated by visions of the interconnectedness
of all life. Let it flow! APRIL FOOL! I slightly overstated the possibilities.
Yes, it will be a wonderful time to feel profound states of emotion and
surrender to the tears they induce. But you need to get a few things
done, too, so don't risk drowning.
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Homework: Describe what you'd be like if you were the opposite of
yourself. Write www.freewillastrology.com.
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Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2011 Rob Brezsny
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