Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter http://ezezine.com
Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
February 13, 2008
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http://FreeWillAstrology.com
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"What concerns me is not the way things are, but rather the way people
think things are."
- Epictetus
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My book
*PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA:
How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings*
is available for sale at http://tinyurl.com/qaj62
Here's some stuff that didn't quite make it into the book.
ELATIONSHIP LOVE SPELLS FOR BEAUTY AND TRUTH RESEARCHERS
Are you in quest of an Intimate Ally or a Soul Friend? A Wild Confidante or
a F*** Buddy? A Secret Sharer who'll listen better than anyone ever or an
Amazing Accomplice with whom you can practice the Art of Liberation?
Try these Elationship Love Spells, scientifically formulated by the Beauty
and Truth Lab's top exhilarationists.
1. While standing in a mud puddle and hugging yourself, dissolve a four-
leaf clover on your tongue and visualize yourself riding piggyback on an
unpredictable yet trustworthy playmate.
2. Draw a picture of copulating hummingbirds on a dollar bill and then
tape it to a road sign on a street with a sexy name.
3. Using green food dye, write your initials and those of your beloved on a
cake, then bury it in the woods along with your favorite book from
childhood.
4. Watch cloud formations until you spy one that looks like mating horses,
then blow a giant kiss in that direction.
5. Become a great listener. Cultivate in yourself the exact qualities you're
so attracted to in others. Determine your chosen one's most important
goal and figure out how you can help achieve it.
6. Prick a fig with a pin 13 times as you murmur the words "sex laugh,"
then sleep with the fig under your left armpit.
7. Forget all about trying to glom on to your perfect mate and instead
make yourself into a perfect mate.
8. Kiss a roll of caps that you bought in the toy section of the drug store,
then say this prayer aloud: "Dear Goddess: Show me how to use one of
my imperfections to arouse and amuse."
9. Chugalug a glass of fermented pomegranate juice as you shout out the
following magic mantra, first as it's written, then backwards. "Evol dliw
rof yticapac ym gnidnapxe won era dereffus sah traeh ym sdnuow eht lla."
10. Steal these ads! The personal ads below have been designed by the
Beauty and Truth Lab's exhilarationists to attract allies who are
committed to the art of compassionate lust and orgiastic compassion. If
you're a SBM or a DWF or a WWW or an SAM or any other acronym who
aspires to put the elation back in relationship, you're invited to plagiarize
these for your own use.
•
BEAUTIFUL TRUTH-TELLERS SEEKING WILD COMPASSION ARTISTS
______________________________________________________
LET'S INCITE THE ELATION IN RELATIONSHIP
Me: the soul of a musician, the stamina of a long-distance runner, and the
psychological expertise of a veterinarian. You: the body of a feral
kickboxer, the eyes of a jet pilot, and the holder of a Ph.D. in Ingenious
Love. In matters of the heart, you always know exactly when to sweat
and when to cry. You like to play in the sandbox as much as you enjoy
working in the trenches -- and you don't mind getting dirty. Send me a
photo of yourself jumping for joy, and I'll make a home delivery of my
spiciest soul food.
______________________________________________________
SUCK MY BEAUTY AND TRUTH
Are you a stable, down-to-earth romantic who enjoys holding hands while
browsing through shopping malls? If so, please forget you ever read this.
I'm on the lookout for a leather-clad cupid who loves to disturb the
neighbors. Or a cherub-faced rebel who's into mental shortcuts. Or
something like that. Let's put it this way: Are you capable of feeling sexy
while wearing the clothes you like least? If so, I want you to suck my
beauty and truth while singing back-up harmonies to the music of the
spheres. Or massage my wild compassion while interpreting the omens in
my lucid dreams. Or something like that. P.S.: I smashed my TV because it
was an unsatisfying companion. Can I come over and watch yours?
______________________________________________________
POLYAMOROUS MONOGAMY
You might say I'm catagoraphobic. I hate getting stuffed into pigeonholes.
I run the other way when people try to tell me who I am. So don't try to
figure me out. Just enjoy me. Or maybe I should say just enjoy us. There
are so many different facets to my personality that monogamy with me
will feel like a promiscuous feast to you. I'm a socialist libertarian and a
conservative anarchist. I'm an atheistic lover of many gods, a sophisticate
with toys in my bathtub, and a genuine evil twin who loves to perform
missions of mercy. Always both and yet neither. In other words, if you
think a hundred words can describe me adequately, you obviously need a
more superficial lover with a brain far emptier than mine. Think you can
keep up? Then let the experiments begin. I'll be your wild-eyed, smart-
mouthed, spread-eagled muse if you'll be mine.
______________________________________________________
ORGASMS TO SAVE THE WORLD
I have a vision of our first date: in which we dress up like corporate
executives and stand at a busy highway exit ramp giving away twenty-
dollar bills while holding a cardboard sign that reads "I love to help; I need
to give; please take some money." I foresee us passing mash notes back
and forth as we work side-by-side at the suicide hotline, getting turned on
as we breathe in each other's death-defying pheromones and ride the
inside-out exhilaration of saving people's lives. I have a vision that one
day our arms will be brushing and our gaze meeting as we serve peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches and lentil stew to homeless folks at the soup
kitchen, and when it's all done we'll go home and spend the rest of the
night generating material for our collaborative book, *How To Make Love
with Your Best Friend,* which ultimately earns us a million dollars that we
donate to electing poor people to political office.
______________________________________________________
ONLY EVERYTHING
I am impossible to live with...but then isn't everyone? I will drive you
crazy...but in the most interesting ways possible. You don't want to get
mixed up with me...unless you love to have every one of your certainties
challenged and unless you get horny in the face of unimaginable
adventures and unless you're ready to never be bored again.
______________________________________________________
PERFECTLY IMPERFECT
Do you have a dancer's body, a writer's mind, an artist's hands, and an
underwear model's face? If so, you're probably too slick for me. I'm a
down-to-earth magician who loves gritty reality far more than glittery
fantasies. Like the skilled Japanese pottery-makers whose work is valued
for its trademark blemishes, I thrive on life's imperfections. I'll love you for
who you are, not who you might be someday.
______________________________________________________
SEX BETWEEN FRIENDS
James Thurber once said of a ruined relationship, "Our love never ripened
into friendship." But I promise you no one'll ever say that about me and
you. I'm not just a flirtatious seducer lusting after your sex, sweetheart;
I'm a multifaceted companion who wants to collaborate with every single
one of your nooks and crannies. My goal in life is to be addicted to kissing
my best buddy.
______________________________________________________
DAZZLE NECTAR?
I have everything you want and more, honey, so what the hell are you
waiting for? Get your sweet ass over here and serenade me in intricate
detail about just what a gorgeous, radiant creature I am. Knee pads will be
provided, but keep in mind that I want a smart worshiper, not a robotic
slave. In return, of course, I'll give you my heart of gold and an emotional
life so rich you'll think you're a millionaire.
______________________________________________________
I KNOW LOTS OF SHORT CUTS BUT HAVE A LONG ATTENTION SPAN
Tired of both boringly nice goodie-goodies and menacing lunatics trying
to pass off their pathologies as "sexy"? I'm the happy medium,
sweetheart: a crafty straddler of the mysterious edge where yes and no
overlap, where the difference between bad and good just ain't that
simple. Give me the chance to wow you with my mastery of the
contradictions. Let's drink in the twisted lyrics of a heavy metal CD, then
attend a New Age workshop on how to commit random acts of kindness. I
swear you're going to thrive on my talent for balancing the whole crazy
world on the end of my wits.
______________________________________________________
SUCCULENT BRAVEHEARTS UNITE!
Fire-breathing sensualist with voodoo-doll eyes and a talent for walking on
the water seeks a sinner who's at least half as silky and slippery as me. I
don't just want a lover, in other words, I want a partner in crime --
preferably with no outstanding warrants and an elegant collection of sex
toys. Good table manners definitely not important. My inner guru wants to
get into the funnest possible trouble with your inner guru.
______________________________________________________
SECRET SHARER SEEKS AMAZING ACCOMPLICES
Don't love me just because I'm so attractive and smart. Love me because
I'm a resourceful worker in behalf of the things you and I are most
passionate about. Love me because I'm living proof that a good plan and
rugged determination beat flashy talent any day. Love me because when
all the dilettantes and fair-weather companions have dropped out of the
running, I'll still be there doing whatever it takes to get you and me into
the winner's circle.
______________________________________________________
NURTURING MANIAC SEEKS SWEET HOWLER
I'm the one! Pick me for your mission impossible! I'm the one! Pick me to
help you storm the kingdom of heaven! Everybody's somebody's fool; let
me be yours! I have no shame and I want no limits! I give till it hurts and if
you're smart you'll let me teach you how! So electrify me in a sanctuary!
Amaze me in a labyrinth! Undress me on an altar! Engorge me in a way
station! And I'll resurrect you wherever you want!
______________________________________________________
DREAMING OF WILD HORSES
Me: a holy roller with dreamy eyes and steamy windows . . . a humble hero
who's built for comfort not for speed. You: a tough and tender muse with
all six senses in great working condition . . . a quick changer with the
softest underbelly I ever felt. Are you ready to travel a million miles
without ever leaving the comfort of your own turf? I am. Let's go
commiserate about our childhood traumas over sweet Irish coffees. Let's
pretend we're Italian and get in a big fun boisterous fight that proves how
desperately we love each other forever.
______________________________________________________
ROAD WARRIOR WITH BIG TOY COLLECTION
Future lottery winner and full-time thrill-seeker is hunting for a big
dreamer to share risky stunts and international scandal. Let's hike the
Yukon in our boxer shorts, or go hang-gliding in Madagascar. Let's buy
Slurpees at dawn and do cartwheels in the parking lot with our shirttails
untucked. I'm an angel-wrestlin', magic carpet-ridin' lover of the
impossible -- and I hope you are too. Have you got your own toy chest? I
never get enough playtime.
______________________________________________________
PERSONAL GROWTH ADDICTS SUPPORT GROUP
Disgruntled postal employee seeks zombie love slave or lonely bank teller
to share erotic fantasies about IRS audits and root canals. Just kidding.
That's my sense of humor. You like? Seriously, sweetheart, this high IQ
space case is looking for a gorgeous alien life-form for exotic forms of
togetherness like taking long walks on the astral plane, listening to self-
help tapes by candle light, and having nutty conversations in which we
don't know what we're talking about half the time. Do you have more
money than me and act like a character in a Tom Robbins' novel? Then e-
mail me a love letter a.s.a.p. A plus if you grok the difference between the
Greys and the Pleiadians.
______________________________________________________
SACRED AGENT SEEKING FREAKY CONSORT
How can I even begin to describe myself? I guess you could say I'm a
skilled mood-swinger who likes to wing it whenever possible. On the other
hand, you could say I'm an entertaining game-player with more life-saving
tricks than a rodeo clown. But frankly, my dear, I don't want to be pinned
down to a particular identity at this moment in time. Just let me say that
if you're a supple, ticklish, voracious, mouthy, casual, reflective, bubbly,
zonked virtuoso -- who also happens to be a damn good listener -- then
you're a good candidate to bask in the glow of my well-hung mind and
voluptuous wit. Had any friendly sex lately? Had any sexy friendships?
______________________________________________________
MODERN FAIRY TALE WITH LUCRATIVE MARKETING POTENTIAL
Quick, sweetheart! Cast a love spell on yourself! Open your eyes to the
gorgeous truth of my power as a sexual healer! You don't have to get
down on your knees, though. I accept worship in any posture. You can
sing my praises while standing on your head for all I care -- although I
prefer it if you do it while sitting in my luscious lap. Seriously, joy bucket,
the sooner you realize I'm the most magical creature you've ever been
electrified by, the sooner I can help you become the person you've always
wanted to be. After I steal your heart, baby, you can use it any time you
want.
______________________________________________________
WE'LL BREAK THE RULES SO WE CAN MAKE SOME NEW ONES
I'm a ravishing ex-adult who's wisely regressed to a divine form of
adolescence. You're a reformed smart-ass who's declared a truce with
your evil twin. Together we could build new bridges twice as fast as we
burn the old ones down. You know I'm always willing to be talked into
doing things I wouldn't normally do -- and I trust you're the same. Come
see me. I'll be sitting on the post office steps with a toy sheriff's badge
on my lapel and a rose between my teeth. Bring warm clothes, a picnic
lunch, and a flaming red attitude.
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To read news and features from my book, go here:
http://tinyurl.com/lhwx2
You can buy the book here:
AMAZON
http://tinyurl.com/qaj62
POWELLS
http://tinyurl.com/3dsx6q
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OTHER PRONOIA RESOURCES:
HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER
http://tinyurl.com/2ndhtn
YOU HAVE MORE POWER TO CHANGE THINGS THAN YOU REALIZE
Teach your brain to stretch time
http://tinyurl.com/ys9f5p
NEWS OF ANOTHER GREAT CREATION
Rocks carved by the wind
http://tinyurl.com/2torbm
WAKE UP LAUGHING
Swami Beyondananda's 2008 State of the Universe Address
http://tinyurl.com/fd58o
http://www.wakeuplaughing.com
ENLIGHTENMENT ISN'T AS HARD AS IT SEEMS
Ten Guidelines to Enlightenment
http://tinyurl.com/3c9q9g
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They are not advertisements,
and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own personal nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning February 14
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Happy Valentine Daze, Aquarius! Want to
make your love life better? Then purify your motivations for seeking love.
For at least three weeks, be impossibly honest and noble and righteous in
your dealings with intimate allies. You might even consider approaching
romance with the same reverence a monk summons in his spiritual quest
for divine communion. Fast, pray, meditate, dance holy dances, wander
into the wilderness and cry out for a vision -- all in the name of deepening
your capacity for the transformative power of human relationships.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Happy Valentine Daze, Pisces! Here are the
words of wisdom I think will be most useful as you shape the future of
collaboration and togetherness. They come to you courtesy of writer
Marnie Reed Crowell. "To keep a fire burning brightly," she says, "Keep
the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far
enough apart -- about a finger's breadth -- for breathing room. Good fire,
good marriage, same rule." Even if you're not married and don't plan to
be anytime soon, this is an excellent guideline for any intimate connection
you want to see thrive in 2008. Cultivate spacious closeness.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! After meditating
about what advice would be most useful for your love life during the rest
of 2008, I decided on this observation from 17th-century philosopher Sir
Francis Bacon: "There is no excellent beauty that hath not some
strangeness in the proportion." In other words, you should raise your
appreciation for interesting idiosyncrasies and cute "flaws" and odd
proportions. They are not inconvenient imperfections that mar the beauty
you need in your life. They are the very essence of it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Happy Valentine Daze, Taurus! After
extensive meditation about what advice would be most useful for your
love life in the coming months, I decided on this observation from the
Dutch priest and writer Henri Nouwen: "Your body needs to be held and
to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be
despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your
body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to
go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your
body home and moving toward integration and unity."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
EXPLORING YOUR LONG-RANGE FUTURE
Would you like some inspiration as you muse and wonder about your
upcoming adventures in 2008?
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.
Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES
A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my
search for the spark that would be most likely to energize your love life, I
found this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time
looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I hope
that quote inspires you to shed any tendency you might have to wait for
the ideal romantic situation to find its way to you. Instead, establish a
habit of visualizing in precise detail the kind of love you want to give and
receive. Then work on patiently materializing it.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Here's my Valentine message for you,
Cancerian: The sea inside of you is not just at high tide, it's at the highest
tide possible -- like what happens when the moon is full at the same time
that it's at its closest approach to Earth. To intensify the drama, the sea
inside of you is stormy, with torrential rains pouring down from the
heaven inside of you as winds bluster and lightning cracks. There are even
water spouts rising up now and then. Yet from my perspective, it's all
gorgeous and majestic, a marvelous spectacle worthy of celebration. And
since I'm confident no harm will come to you during this elemental
interlude, I advise you to just enjoy the ride.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Scholar Suzanne Juhasz says that Emily
Dickinson's eroticism "inflects and charges" most of her poems. "Erotic
desire -- sensuous, nuanced, flagrant, extreme, outlandish, and profound -
- is her way of interacting with the world." From an astrological
perspective, it would make perfect sense if you experimented with a
similar predilection in the coming days, Leo. During the superheated grace
period you'll be enjoying, interesting things are likely to happen if you
basically make love to the whole world. The urge to merge shouldn't just
be the icing on the cake. It should be the icing, the cake, the plate it's on,
your eating of the cake, your feeding of the cake to others, and all the
stories you tell about your encounter with the cake. Happy Valentine
Daze, Leo!
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "The Eskimos had 52 names for snow because
it was important to them," wrote novelist Margaret Atwood. "There ought
to be as many for love." Your assignment, should you choose to accept it,
is to coin at least nine of those 52 new names between now and January
1, 2009. Of course that means you will have to discover or create nine
alternate states of love that have previously been unnamed. And to do
that, you'll have to put aside your habitual expectations and standard
definitions of what constitutes love so that you can explore an amazing
array of nuances, including varieties you never imagined existed. Start
now, Virgo. Happy Valentine's Daze!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LET'S IMAGINE WHAT BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES
MIGHT COME YOUR WAY IN 2008
What hidden factors will be massaging your destiny in 2008? Could you
use some hints about how to prepare for the adventures awaiting you in
the next 12 months?
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.
Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES
A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Happy Valentine Daze, Libra! After strenuous
meditation about what advice would be most likely to energize your love
life, I decided on this edgy wisdom from writer Charles Caleb Colton: "If
you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with
love of herself; all that runs over will be yours." (Substitute "man" for
"woman" and "him" for "her" if that makes the message work best for
you.)
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Happy Valentine Daze, Scorpio! After
extensive meditation about what advice would be most useful for your
love life in the coming months, I decided on this gentle rant from the
South African poet Shabbir Banoobhai: "Love is a mystery. And the
reason why it is a mystery and should remain a mystery is that knowledge
of it would give us mastery over it -- would enable us to manipulate it --
and love, truth, God, cannot be manipulated. Hence the Prophet
exclaimed, 'My Lord, increase my bewilderment in Thee.'"
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): After meditating on how to energize
your love life this Valentine season, I decided to encourage you to bring
the spirits of sampling and the mash-up into your relationship life.
Sampling is what happens when a musician openly lifts a riff out of an
existing song and inserts it into his or her own composition. In a mash-up,
a producer takes parts from two different songs to assemble a new song
that has elements of both originals but is an entirely new creation. I
encourage you to apply these approaches to your collaborations with
intimate allies. For example, "sample" a close friend's favorite
catchphrases or clothes, and use them as your own. Or tell that person a
story from his or her own past, but recount it as if it happened to you.
The two of you could also write a journal entry together, taking turns
spinning out each new line. You might even switch roles for a day, trying
out what it actually feels like to be the other person.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! The
astrological omens suggest that you should liberate your wild heart from
its hiding place, maybe even experiment with extravagant expressions of
love. To get yourself worked up into a proper state of fertile agitation,
read aloud from Pablo Neruda's book *100 Love Sonnets* (translated by
Stephen Tapscott), starting with "Love Sonnet XI": "I crave your mouth,
your voice, your hair. Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day_I hunt for the liquid
measure of your steps . . . [I] hunger for the pale stones of your
fingernails,_I want to eat your skin like a whole almond . . . I want to eat
the fleeting shade of your lashes. And I pace around hungry, sniffing the
twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart, like a puma in the barrens . . .
."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HOMEWORK: Name something you could change about yourself that
would enhance your love life. Go to http://RealAstrology.com and click on
"Email Rob."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WANT TO GET YOUR CHART DONE?
I'm not doing personal charts, but I highly recommend my astrological
colleague, RO LOUGHRAN. Her approach closely matches my own. In our
many discussions about astrology over the years, we've had a major
influence on each other's work.
Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high
degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation; she is skilled
at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your
connection with your own inner wisdom.
Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise
work with you regardless of geographic boundaries.
Ro's website is at
http://YourSoulJourney.com
She can also be reached at roloughran@comcast.net
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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P.S. I totally respect your privacy. I'll never sell or give away your address
to anyone.
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Submissions sent to the Free Will Astrology Weekly Newsletter
or in response to "homework assignments" may be
published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion,
including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will
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Requests for anonymity will be honored with submissions;
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Please be sure to note your preference when sending to us. We
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material.
Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2008 Rob Brezsny
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