Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter http://ezezine.com
Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Newsletter
March 22, 2007
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
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"Poetry is direct participation in the creative principle of the godhead.
We only have false prophets (and so many of them!) because people
forgot what prophecy is for: the ecstatic participation in the godhead
and the exaltation of His/Her limitless Creation."
-Tim Boucher, http://www.timboucher.com/journal/
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ROB PERFORMS "SACRED UPROAR" IN SAN FRANCISCO
Wednesday, March 28
The Marsh
http://themarsh.org
1062 Valencia Street
San Francisco
UPDATE: The show or March 28 is sold out! If you don't have your ticket
yet, you most likely won't be able to buy one at the door.
Sorry about that. It's good news, though, in the sense that The Marsh
may book Sacred Uproar for more shows in the future.
Thanks for your support!
Watch this newsletter for news about upcoming SACRED UPROAR events.
To see photos of a recent SACRED UPROAR performance, go here:
http://www.FreeWillAstrology.com
If you've already got your ticket and you know the secret words I've
given out here the last three weeks and this week, you'll be eligible for
one of the five PRONOIA books I'll be giving away free on March 28. This
week's secret word: elixir. Tie-breaker: Name the book I wrote before
PRONOIA.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My book
"PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA:
How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings"
is available for sale at http://tinyurl.com/qaj62
or find out more at http://www.freewillastrology.com
To read news and features from the book, go here:
http://tinyurl.com/2uhvjl
Here's an excerpt from the book:
HOW IS ENLIGHTENMENT LIKE A MILLION-DOLLAR VACATION HOME?
For some seekers, spiritual enlightenment is the ultimate commodity.
They believe that through diligent meditation and self-improvement, there
will come a day when it will no longer elude their grasp. Breaking through
to the singular state of cosmic consciousness, they will forever after own
it, free and clear. Permanently illuminated! Never to backslide into the dull
ignominy of normal human awareness!
Here's what I have to say about that: It's a delusion.
The fact is, the nature of perfection is always mutating. What constitutes
enlightenment today will always be different tomorrow. Even if you're
fortunate and wise enough to score a sliver of "enlightenment," it's not a
static treasure that becomes your indestructible, everlasting possession.
Rather, it remains a mercurial knack that must be continually re-earned.
If you want to befriend the Divine Wow, you must not only be willing to
change ceaselessly--you have to love to change ceaselessly.
Lucky you: All of creation is conspiring to help you live like that.
*
[Print out the following, putting your name in the blank spaces.]
CERTIFICATE OF EXEMPTION FROM ENLIGHTENMENT
This document certifies that
_________________________________
is immune to the lust for enlightenment and is exempt from the need to
seek enlightenment.
This document also certifies that
_________________________________
has seen through the fraud of the enlightenment con game and is
excused from further clawing and scraping to own a piece of that
specious reward.
This document further certifies that
__________________________________
is free from the temptation to be consecrated as enlightened by any
guru, saint, holy person, or religious organization that claims the right to
do so.
Finally, this document certifies that
_________________________________
has already been enlightened a million times in a million different ways
anyway, and that seeking even further enlightenments would be
redundant and even greedy.
To ensure the continued validity of this document,
_________________________________
vows to regularly renew these three understandings: that it is impossible
to ever reach a complete and permanent state of enlightenment; that
there is no single state of awareness that constitutes enlightenment; and
that since the nature of reality keeps changing, the nature of
enlightenment keeps changing as well.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
To read other news and features from my book, go here:
http://snipurl.com/l9o3
You can buy the book here:
AMAZON
http://snipurl.com/krjj
BARNES & NOBLE
http://snipurl.com/krjn
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
OTHER PRONOIA RESOURCES:
GUERRILLA WISDOM
"From Ego to We Go" by Daniel Pinchbeck
http://tinyurl.com/3ddzbu
MUSIC
Goddess Alchemy Project
http://www.myspace.com/goddessalchemyproject
CLOUDS
Cloud Appreciation Society
www.cloudappreciationsociety.org
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They're not advertisements,
and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own personal nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES.
**********************************************
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 29
Copyright 2007 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will soon uncover evidence that a
seemingly innocuous hot dog vendor is actually creating an army of
cyborgs in the sewer system under the streets. You will also make a
citizen's arrest of a grandmother who's embezzling money from a
children's charity to support her gambling habit. And in the most shocking
development of all, you'll develop the psychic power to exorcise evil
spirits that are threatening to demonically possess the Internet. APRIL
FOOL! Your imminent future will be interesting, but not *that* interesting.
More importantly, it will be interesting in distinctly non-pathological,
unhysterical ways. Your adventures will revolve around healing, fun, and
education, not trouble, danger, and chaos.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You should make Feral Cheryl your role model.
She's the anti-Barbie--a pierced, dreadlocked, tattooed doll. She owns no
stiletto heels, designer handbags, or cheerleader outfits. Her only
accessory is a stash of homegrown herbs. A student of spiritual anarchy,
she's a free-thinking activist who rejects all "isms." Be like Feral Cheryl,
Taurus. APRIL FOOL! I'd never try to talk you into regarding a 13-inch-tall
plastic doll as your role model, no matter how cool she might be. But I do
suggest you adopt some version of Feral Cheryl's motto: "Love simply,
live amply, run wild."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): After meditating on the omens, I can't decide
whether it's more accurate to say "This week will suck" or "This week will
blow." APRIL FOOL! While it's true that your imminent experiences may
resemble the kinds of pleasure that one human being can give another
through a masterful use of the mouth and tongue, "suck" and "blow"
have too many negative connotations to use them as metaphors. Let's
say instead that the coming week will lick and slurp and drool.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Soon the Lord will return and handpick
144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic
gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are
gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the
lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the
Lord's brain 24/7. And get this: YOU will be one of the 144,000! APRIL
FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to earth in the form of
a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell's Kitchen part of New York City,
and we're all living in Paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no
144,000 saints who'll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week
*will* be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new
perk.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This weekly newsletter, which includes my written horoscopes and
excerpts from my books, is always free.
Here are the services I provide that cost money:
My EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES are weekly spoken-word reports on
your destiny. They're three to four minutes long, and are available at
http://RealAstrology.com.
The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or
1-900-950-7700.
My DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES are short, sweet bursts of
illumination delivered seven days a week to your cell phone or other
mobile device. You can sign up for them at http://RealAstrology.com.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Here are the five most popular fortunes in fortune
cookies: 1. "Your present plans are going to succeed." 2. "Good news will
come to you from far away." 3. "Now is the time to try something new."
4. "Your love life will be happy and harmonious." 5. "The next can of tuna
fish you open will have a million-dollar diamond inside." All five of these
fortunes happen to be accurate predictions for you in the coming week.
APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future looks great, but not *that* great. At
most, only three of those five fortunes will come true for you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One out of every 20 people claims to have
talked to the devil personally. That statistic could change in the coming
week, however, because I'm predicting that many of you Virgos will sit
down for a heart-to-heart with the horned one. For most of you,
furthermore, the conversation will go surprisingly well. You'll out-argue
the devil, impressing him with your logic and winning him over with your
charm, leading him to promise to dramatically reduce the number of
insidious temptations he'll send your way in the future. APRIL FOOL! There
is no such thing as the devil. But it is true that you're likely to triumph
over evil in the coming week.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your assignment is to precisely identify every
last one of your complexes, syndromes, and maladies. Towards that end,
buy a copy of the 943-page book *Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders,* and read it from beginning to end. APRIL FOOL! Don't
you know me any better than that? I would NEVER encourage you to
obsess on your pain. Here's your real horoscope: Start writing your own
version of the book *How We Choose to Be Happy: The 9 Choices of
Extremely Happy People.* It's high time you learned how to work your ass
off to feel really good.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Not to be confused with Alzheimer's,
"Alt.heimer's" is a term that the Slang Dictionary defines as "a condition
afflicting chronic hipsters who can no longer recall if they like something
genuinely or ironically. Example: 'As Ron stared at the hideous leather
pants and retro Star Wars sheets he'd just purchased, he realized his
Alt.heimer's was advancing with terrifying speed.'" I bring this up,
Scorpio, because you urgently need to determine whether you're infected
with Alt.heimer's. APRIL FOOL! You don't have Alt.heimer's. But it is
crucial that you take inventory of what things you genuinely like and what
things you merely like ironically.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This week's mind-over-matter horoscope
features the words of three notorious New Age flakes, philosopher William
James, essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Albert Einstein. First, James:
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter
his life by altering his attitudes." Emerson: "Intellect annuls Fate. So far as
a person thinks, he is free." Einstein: "The significant problems we face
cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we
created them." APRIL FOOL! James, Emerson, and Einstein were NOT New
Age flakes. They simply had some ideas that were similar to New Age
flakes. So don't dismiss their advice, especially now, when you can
accomplish miracles by acting as if you have a potent role in creating your
own reality.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AUDIO LOVE LETTERS
In addition to the horoscopes that you're reading here, I create more in-
depth audio horoscopes for your inspiration. Find out more at
http://RealAstrology.com.
The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or
1-900-950-7700.
"You told me the truth when no one else in my life would." -Darren H.,
Minneapolis
"Your wake-up calls keep me from getting stale." -Arris T., Aspen, CO
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Wealthy women in ancient Rome often
filled their baths with perfumed swan fat and donkey milk. It would make
perfect astrological sense if you did the same thing. The omens suggest
that you should borrow old customs to enhance your health and
appearance. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this is a good time to
upgrade your health and appearance, there are better ways to do so than
with swan fat and donkey milk. However, those two exotic substances
*are* symbolically apt. You should cultivate influences that will enhance
your grace and beauty as well as your stubborn strength and dogged
persistence.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): On the caloric energy provided by just one
12-ounce bag of potato chips, you can think 550 thoughts, at least 10
percent of them good ones. That's why I urge you to devour one such
bag every day this week. The omens suggest that your brain is aching to
churn out an explosion of big, fat thoughts. APRIL FOOL! Your brain will
generate a multitude of ideas (at least 40 percent of them good ones)
even if you dine on nothing but carrot juice and salad. You're in the phase
of your astrological cycle when your mind is magically hyperactive. You
don't need potato chips to be smart.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
dental medication. A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead possums.
The flight attendant stops her and says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, there's only
one carrion allowed per passenger." APRIL FOOL! The preceding passage
wasn't your real horoscope, but rather a Zen koan designed to scramble
your brain so that you'd be receptive to your real horoscope, which goes
as follows: Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold, so they
lit a fire right there. The boat sank, proving that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
*************************************************
HOMEWORK: Truth or false, and why: Life is conspiring to give you exactly
what you need, exactly when you need it. Testify by going to
http://RealAstrology.com and clicking on "Email Rob."
*********************************************
WANT TO GET YOUR CHART DONE?
I'm not doing personal charts these days, but I highly recommend my
favorite astrological colleague, RO LOUGHRAN. Her approach closely
matches my own. In our many discussions about astrology over the years,
we've had a major influence on each other's work.
Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high
degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation; she is skilled
at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your
connection with your own inner wisdom.
Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise
work with you regardless of geographic boundaries.
Ro's website is at
http://www.YourSoulJourney.com
She can also be reached at roloughran@comcast.net
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5. The problems may not have to do with anything you do, but may
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P.S. I totally respect your privacy. I'll never sell or give away your address
to anyone.
*********************************************
Submissions sent to the Free Will Astrology Weekly Newsletter
or in response to "homework assignments" may be
published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion,
including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will
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Requests for anonymity will be honored with submissions;
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Please be sure to note your preference when sending to us. We
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Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2007 Rob Brezsny
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