Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter http://ezezine.com
Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Newsletter
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March 30, 2005
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 31
Copyright 2005 by Rob Brezsny
http://www.freewillastrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Sabotage all attempts at cooperation. Resist
acts of unification. No matter what, refuse to forgive anyone. Your role
models should be the Israeli rabbis who prayed for the failure of
February's peace summit between prime minister Ariel Sharon and
Palestinian leader Magmud Abbas. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding, of
course. Don't you dare pray for continued dissonance, even if it seems to
serve your short-range interests. It may not be obvious yet, but you're on
the cusp of a breakthrough in your ability to blend your energies with
others. You shouldn't let anything get in the way.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The mummified middle finger of Galileo's right
hand is on display at a museum in Florence, Italy. I propose that you
regard it as your sacred power object in the coming week. May it inspire
you to flip the bird at everyone who crosses you. APRIL FOOL! While I do
think you should derive inspiration from Galileo's middle finger, you should
do so only at truly important moments. Not to express road rage, for
God's sake; not to express disdain toward loudmouths using cell phones.
Please, Taurus, flip a metaphorical bird only to protest the kind of high-
level idiocy Galileo had to endure when the Church persecuted him for
proving that the Earth revolves around the sun.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): To quote Malcolm X, you've been hoodwinked.
You've been had. You've been lead astray. You've been bamboozled.
Wake up and smell the deceit before it's too late, Gemini. APRIL FOOL!
What I just said is a complete lie. Here's your *real* horoscope: You're
actually very well-armed against illusion and delusion. At no other time in
your life have you been less likely to get fooled or ripped off or
manipulated. You have a sixth sense that allows you to sniff out hidden
agendas that simmer beneath the official stories. This wonderful
development is the result of your growing determination to be honest
with yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Several New Age futurists have predicted
that the U.S. will someday have a Secretary of Prophecy, a cabinet-level
official who uses shamanic insight to counsel the President on the health
of the nation's soul. Personally, though, I can't imagine it will happen any
time soon. And that's too bad, because I'm perfect for the job. My
psychic powers are growing, as are my political skills, my practical
compassion, and my vision of how to do what's best for the most people.
APRIL FOOL! Everything I just bragged about is as much true about you as
it is about me. We Crabs are in an astrological phase when many of us are
becoming better equipped to serve as intuitive advisers to the powers-
that-be. In fact, I suggest you start pushing for more responsibility and
clout.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It would be a good week for you to obtain a
burglar alarm, self-defense pepper spray, and a psychic protection amulet
advertised in the back of a tabloid. You should obsess on making yourself
ultra-secure and absolutely safe. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing to see
how gullible you are to the media's compulsive fear-mongering. The truth
is, Leo, you're in a phase when you should expand your sense of
adventure and increase your willingness to take smart risks. Instead of the
burglar alarm, pepper spray, and amulet, why don't you get yourself
something like a rope ladder, crocodile spear, and camel saddle?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Renowned psychic Victoria Bullis is working on
a cookbook filled with recipes she's channeling from dead celebrities,
including Chris Farley, Princess Diana, and John F. Kennedy. Since you also
have a talent for this kind of work right now, you might want to contact
her and communicate your research. She's at www.victoriabullis.com.
APRIL FOOL! While it's true that you have more access than usual to
departed spirits, I suggest you use this privilege wisely--certainly not by
seeking recipes from formerly famous people you never knew. Instead,
seek help and insight from loved ones and friends you trusted while they
were alive.
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EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES
Every week, in addition to the written horoscopes you get in this
newsletter, I offer Expanded Audio Horoscopes.
They tend to be soothing and meditative, though now and then I invite
you to kick your own ass, too. My intention is for them to be healing and
inspirational at the same time.
The Expanded Audio horoscopes cost $6 if you access them on the Web
via RealAudio, or $1.99 per minute if you want them over the phone.
For Web access, go here:
http://www.relationshipnetwork.com/horo/index.asp?client_id=50700
From the United States, call
1-900-950-7700
or if you prefer to pay by credit card
1-877-873-4888
If you live in Canada, call 1-888-499-4425 to purchase a Block of Time
with your credit card.
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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Remember that moment some time back when
you buried your tear-stained face in your pillow and begged God to
*please* send you your soul mate? I hate to say it, Libra, but I believe it's
possible that God may have heard you incorrectly, thinking you said "cell
mate" instead of "soul mate." That's the bad news. The good news is that
it's an ideal time to fix that misunderstanding. I suggest you summon the
same desperate longing that launched your prayer way back when, only
this time clearly enunciate the words "soul mate." APRIL FOOL! God can
read your mind, and always knows what you mean--*if,* that is, *you*
know what you mean. Do you? This is a perfect time to figure out exactly
what it is you really want in an intimate relationship.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's illegal to hunt whales in landlocked Utah,
ride a bike in a swimming pool in California, and walk on your hands while
crossing a street in Hartford, Connecticut. You risk arrest in Nova Scotia if
you water a lawn while it's raining, and could be thrown in jail for eating
ice cream on Sunday while on Ottawa's Bank Street. I recommend that
you research all the similarly dumb laws that are on the books in your part
of the world, and systematically break them. APRIL FOOL! You've got
better revolts to attend to than that, Scorpio. Don't waste your time
rebelling against irrelevant laws that few people know about. Direct your
dissent at dumb rules that are truly hurtful.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): More than half of the people polled say
they would keep their jobs if they won the lottery. You yourself may have
to make that decision soon, Sagittarius. Will being a millionaire cause you
to completely renounce your current way of life? I hope not. APRIL FOOL!
I am NOT, in fact, predicting you will win the lottery. However, it's quite
possible that you'll be blessed with some other stroke of luck that will
tempt you to leave behind familiar things that helped put you where you
are today. Be thoughtful about how you navigate your way through the
changes caused by your good fortune.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The information produced in the world
every year would fill 37,000 Library of Congresses. Unfortunately, you
haven't been keeping up very well. If you know what's good for you, you'll
dramatically increase your uptake of raw data. Read more newspapers and
magazines, please. Spend more time surfing the Web. Watch more TV.
APRIL FOOL! Ninety-nine point ninety-nine percent of all that raw data is
useless, meaningless, and corrupted with half-truth. In fact, to best serve
your mental health you should get a high-quality Bullshit Detector. Either
that, or invite more silence into your life.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You seriously need to subscribe to *Lucky*
magazine or the *Robb Report* or some other glossy rag about shopping.
Your consumer skills have deteriorated. You're becoming hopelessly inept
at finding luxury items at bargain prices. Shape up, Aquarius. APRIL FOOL!
The truth is that it's an excellent time for you to take a sabbatical from
consumerism. See if you can go entire days without spending any money
at all. Build psychic barriers in your imagination that will make you immune
to seductive commercials. Read *Adbusters* magazine.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You're about to enter a phase that will
resemble Bizarro World, the fictional realm in Superman comics. It's a
cube-shaped planet where everything is the opposite of life on Earth:
Stupidity is revered, hypocrisy is routine, and nothing's regarded as true
unless it's ugly. APRIL FOOL! The conditions I just described as
characteristic of Bizarro World are actually pretty close to the values that
prevail here on our planet. So while it's true that you'll be in a phase when
everything's the reverse of normal life, that will be a very good thing.
Compassionate intelligence will be revered. Many people will be
painstakingly consistent in serving their high principles. Truth and beauty
will often be found in the same place. Have fun!
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HOMEWORK:
Describe what you'd be like if you were the opposite of yourself. Testify
by going to http://www.freewillastrology.com and clicking on "Email Rob."
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WANT TO GET YOUR CHART DONE?
I'm not doing charts these days. In addition to writing my weekly column
and expanded audio horoscopes, I'm also working on a book and CD.
But I can recommend a colleague whose astro-aesthetics closely match
my own. She's RO LOUGHRAN.
Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high
degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation; she is skilled
at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your
connection with your own inner wisdom. In addition to over 20 years of
astrological experience, Ro is also a licensed psychotherapist, allowing her
to integrate psychological insight with the cosmological perspective that
astrology offers.
Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise
work with you regardless of geographic boundaries.
Ro's website is at
http://www.astrology-psychotherapy.com/
She can also be reached at roloughran@comcast.net
Namaste,
Rob
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Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2005 Rob Brezsny
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