Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter http://ezezine.com
Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Newsletter
is brought to you by Henry Miller's belief that
"The task of genius,
and humanity is nothing if not genius,
is to keep the miracle alive,
to live always in the miracle,
to make the miracle more and more miraculous,
to swear allegiance to nothing,
but live only miraculously,
think only miraculously,
die miraculously."
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March 31, 2004
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www.freewillastrology.com
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week of April 1
Copyright 2004 by Rob Brezsny
www.freewillastrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries statesman Thomas Jefferson wrote
the Declaration of Independence in a mere 18 days. You should make him
your role model as you devote the next three weeks to producing a
masterpiece that will be regarded by posterity as one of history's great
accomplishments. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little, Aries. It's true
that you now have enormous creative power, and you could very well lay
the groundwork for what will ultimately be a tour de force. But you may
not be able to whip it out in three weeks, and it may not have quite the
star quality of Jefferson's classic.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In the coming week, your dreams will be
more interesting and important than anything that happens during the
day. Your sleeping mind can solve all your problems if given enough time
-- and maybe even the problems of those you love, too. Can you afford to
stay in bed for 12 hours at a stretch? APRIL FOOL! Twelve hours might be
a bit much. But everything else I said was true. You have the potential to
be a dreaming genius.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Visualize a scenario in which Israelis and
Palestinians are still embroiled in a hateful state of siege for another 100
years. Imagine that the personal problems bugging you now will continue
to torment you indefinitely. Live your life as if you believe the world is
falling apart and that we human beings are parasites bent on wrecking the
paradise we've been blessed with. APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare indulge in
any of the hackneyed cynicism I just spouted. While educated idiots might
try to convince you that badmouthing the future is honest and intelligent,
it's actually a bad habit based on delusion. Here's your *real* assignment,
Gemini: Retrain your mind to expect the best. Visualize in graphic detail
the transformations you'd love to see. Cultivate delight using all your
ingenuity.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Add more locks to your doors and more
armor to your defense mechanisms. Transform your home into an
impregnable fortress of solitude and don't go out unless you absolutely
have to. You must make yourself perfectly safe! APRIL FOOL! It probably
makes sense to be more discriminating about whom you share your
feelings with, but in general it's an excellent time to open your heart and
turn your home into a festive center of abundance. I suggest you invite
every interesting person you trust to come and experience you in your
natural habitat.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): This just in: It *is* possible to buy happiness.
In fact, researchers at Yahoo! Personal Finance have determined the
precise amount necessary: $4.9 million. With that sum in your bank
account, you could acquire the lifestyle that would fulfill your dreams and
make you feel really good. Now here's the crazy part, Leo: The chances are
far better than usual that you'll win the lottery this week, thereby
guaranteeing your eternal happiness. APRIL FOOL! While you Leos *do*
have extraordinary financial luck these days, there just aren't enough
lotteries in the world to ensure that every one of you will win one.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your role model these days should be the
vulgar, debauched writer Charles Bukowski. He was poor most of his life
as he worked endless odd jobs, but he managed to publish 50 books with
titles like *Love Is a Dog from Hell* and *Play the Piano Drunk Like a
Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit.* Here's one
of his typically inspired passages: "It's not easy to juggle a full-time job,
a pregnant wife, and a troubled child, but somehow I still managed to fit in
eight hours of TV a day." Be like Bukowski this week, Virgo. APRIL FOOL! I
was just messin' with you, Dog! I don't *really* want you to be like
Bukowski. But I had you going there for a minute, didn't I? And that's
good, because every now and then -- like right now -- it's damn healthy
for you to fantasize that you're a vulgar, debauched writer.
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In addition to the written horoscopes you find here, I create longer, more
in-depth audio horoscopes. They cost $6 a pop if you access them on the
Web via RealAudio or $1.99 per minute if you want them over the phone.
For Web access, go here:
http://www.relationshipnetwork.com/horo/index.asp?client_id=50700
From the United States, call
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If you have a 900# block on your phone or prefer to pay by credit card,
there's another way to access the Expanded Audio Horoscopes by phone.
Call 1-877-873-4888 to buy the amount of time that best suits you.
If you live in Canada, call 1-888-499-4425 to purchase a Block of Time
with your credit card.
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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Does your roommate have some ripe plums in
the refrigerator that you're dying to devour? Go right ahead. In the spot
where the plums were, leave this poem by William Carlos Williams: "I
have eaten/ the plums/ that were in/ the icebox// and which/ you were
probably/ saving/ for breakfast// Forgive me/ they were delicious/ so
sweet/ and so cold". APRIL FOOL! While you do have astrological
permission to be grabbier and greedier and more impulsive than usual,
you can easily do that without generating any bad karma. Don't steal the
plums.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's not enough to do good deeds this week.
You should also be intent on getting handsomely repaid for your good deeds.
In other words, Scorpio, generosity will be a brilliant strategy if it
manipulates others into being generous to you. Give selfishly, or don't
give at all. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you should bestow blessings
everywhere you go, but with absolutely no strings attached. Here are your
words to live by, courtesy of the Dalai Lama: "Try with all your might --
work very, very hard -- to make the world a better place. But if all your
efforts are to no avail -- no hard feelings!"
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Everyone in the world is either a
narcissist or a closet narcissist. Ironically, it's those in the latter group
who're more dangerous. Their self-obsession expresses in covert ways
that are hard to track. That's one reason why you should be
unapologetically blatant about expressing your superiority this week,
Sagittarius. The second reason is that the astrological omens suggest you
have a mandate to be a raging megalomaniac. APRIL FOOL! I went
overboard there, although not by a whole lot. Let's just say that between
now and April 18 you have cosmic permission to love yourself even more
than usual and break your all-time bragging records.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My reader-satisfaction level is high. The
weekly audience for this horoscope column is about nine million people,
but I get an average of only 40 complaints a year. Maybe it's because you
Capricorns are so forceful in sticking up for your needs, but a
disproportionate number of the beefs I receive are from your tribe.
That's why I've decided to never again utter a discouraging word in your
presence. Forevermore, your horoscope will contain nothing but praise
and good news. APRIL FOOL! I love you, Capricorn! And it wouldn't be very
loving to refrain from kicking your butt on those rare occasions when you
need it. Like now, for instance: I demand that you demand higher standards
from you and your inner circle.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A swimming coach in Darwin, Australia
decided that his young swimmers lacked ambition. They were consistently
mediocre in competition, with no apparent drive for peak performances.
Hoping to rouse their primal instinct to swim faster, he proposed to have
them practice with a ten-foot crocodile in the pool. I wish you Aquarians
would consider being equally daring as you ratchet up your motivation
levels in the coming weeks. APRIL FOOL! Scaring yourself is a terrible
strategy. But I do think you should take a more aggressive approach to
stimulating your drive for excellence.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Quit your job immediately. Move out of
your house. Break off your closest relationships. Give away all your
clothes to charity and sell your car at less than market value. If you do
these things, I guarantee that within six weeks you will get an easy job
where everyone loves you and you get paid way too much money to have
way too much fun. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing you to see how
susceptible you are to being manipulated by experts you trust. The fact is,
Pisces, if you turn down the volume of the authority figures who drone on
in your head -- both those who bent your thoughts in the past and those
who shape your destiny in the present -- your financial situation and
your job satisfaction will markedly improve.
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HOMEWORK: No pain, no gain. Shi* happens. Life is a bitch and then you
die. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that the whole world is conspiring to give
you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. Testify about how
that's true for you by going to www.freewillastrology.com and clicking on
"Email Rob."
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AstroGraph's TimePassages is the software I use to cast charts.
TimePassages is suitable for both novices -- it provides written
interpretations of your aspects -- as well as professionals who need
calculations of natal charts, transits, and more.
TimePassages is at http://www.astrograph.com. Click on "Order."
Or go directly to the order page at
http://www.astrograph.com/cgi-
bin/soft_form.cgi?from=FreeWillAstrology?where=soft_form
And please put "Rob Brezsny" or "Free Will Astrology" in the "Referral"
box.
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Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2004 Rob Brezsny
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