Wellness Tips
Your guide for achieving optimal health ... |
Think - Stress Relief Through Better Listening
To those of you that celebrate Christmas or Hanukah, may your celebration be filled with joy, happiness and peace.
For many, the holiday season brings with it a package of stress. On
the surface there is the certain pressure to be happy, yet underneath there may
be someone that is deeply missed, or there may be family conflicts that have the
potential of exploding at any time. Trying to negotiate the holiday season
while walking on egg shells can be extremely stressful. Learning to
diffuse a situation and improve a poor relationship may be the best gift one can give
and receive.
Steven Covey in his book
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that
we need to first seek to understand, then to be understood. Conflicts most
often involve different parties trying very hard to get their point across, which makes sense, as we all have that innate desire to be truly understood. As Steven Covey says, most of us do not listen with the intent to
understand; we listen with the intent to
reply so that we might be understood.
It is important to realize that our reality or truth is really only a perception. Someone else may view the same situation and come to a completely different conclusion based on their perception of the event. The map - that which is inside our heads, is not the territory, and two people's maps of the same territory may be entirely different. Truly trying to understand someone else's map may be the key to resolving conflicts. It takes a great deal of courage to
stop fighting back and instead, to seek to understand the other person, as the knives initially may be coming at you thick and fast, and it is really difficult to refrain from defending yourself. It requires completely changing your thought process, going to a place of loving kindness, and understanding that the overall goal is not be right, but
rather to truly understand the other person, and in the end, improve the relationship.
Empathetic listening requires listening with all the senses, figuring out the feelings behind the statements, and may involve paraphrasing back not only what is said but also your interpretation of their feelings, so that
they can correct you until
they
are sure you completely understand what is being said. Keep
listening, and reflecting back what they are saying without ever giving voice to
your judgment or advice. Agreeing or apologizing is not required.
Only listening and understanding is. Steven Covey describes this process
of deeply listening without judgment as giving someone psychological air, and
can be
powerful enough to turn around relationships. Once the other person feels they have been
completely heard, they will most likely be very open to listening to you,
so that you too can feel heard. Only with complete understanding
will any apologies be freely given, and also will those apologies probably no
longer be required.
It is worth noting that often when a spouse, family member or friend wants
to discuss a perceived problem, they may not looking for you to fix the problem
and may not want you to jump in with solutions. They may simply want to be
deeply heard. Giving them psychological air can be a very effective way to deepen your relationship.
Covey, Steven R., The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Fireside Publications, New York, New York, 1989.
Covey, Steven R., Principle-Centred Leadership, Fireside Publications, New York, New York, 1992.
www.wellnesstips.ca