The Consequences Of A Yelling Parent
Some people believe yelling at their son or daughter is a consequence.
Most likely because that's how they grew up.
But is it?
Did yelling ever help a kid or teen focus on taking responsibility for something
they did or not do?
Yelling teaches who has the loudest voice wins.
Yelling creates fear of being yelled at -- not on actual reflection, growth,
responsibility, or focusing on the task at hand.
Yelling pushes kids to lie more - to avoid being yelled at.
Yelling projects anger, fear, worry, anxiety, etc. which is like pouring hot
water on a plant and expecting it to grow.
I once heard a parent confidently talk about how they 'really gave it to their teen'.
Calling them stupid etc.
Does that have any value in promoting growth?
Shouting is a quick and easy fix at the moment. It takes little to no thought
-- just letting loose frustrated emotions.
This ultimately pushes kids and teens further away from allowing a
parent or adult to actually guide them.
As far as holding teens accountable and having actual measurable
consequences, these can all be done without yelling.
In fact, most teens that I have spoken are far more willing to accept being
held accountable and consequences when not being yelled at.
I was once working with a group of teens that had taken some inappropriate
actions and needed to be held accountable.
As the teacher and I were processing the teens the truth emerged as we
persistently asked each teen what happened.
When we got the truth there were consequences that each teen had to face.
When I asked the teens afterwards what was it that allowed them to finally
open up and tell the truth.
The answer was straight and simple.
'You guys were not yelling at us'
Here's the next level that was revealed:
'We can handle the consequences -- just not the yelling.'
To avoid being yelled at means not telling the truth.
In other words tell the parent what they want to hear in the moment.
Sure it works in the short term but not the long term.
Eventually the truth comes out.
Then what do some adults do? They shout even more !
What do teens do? They get better at hiding the truth more.
Parents can start to view their teen son or daughter as 'pathological' liars.
However, when stepping back we can see how one pattern i.e. yelling f
eeds the other pattern.
Most of us grew and became more responsible through consequences
and accountability by people who did not yell.
Instead of hot water that scorches the spirit. It was the cool, clean, and nurturing
amount that helped wake us up and grow into our best selves.
Do this with the son or daughter in your life.
It will help them grow to be more responsible.
It will help them face the consequences like everyone else
does, just like us adults.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Klaus Klein MA, RCC
Follow on Facebook -- Klaus Klein KDK Counselling
Tel: 604-786-0709
email: klaus@kdkcounselling.com
Get the updated Free Report:
Top 10 Ways To Commincate With Your Teen
Register with the link below:
https://www.kdkcounselling.com/newsletter.htm