Teen Relations Newsletter -- Klaus Klein Ma, RCC
Teen Relations Newsletter : by Klaus Klein MA, RCC http://ezezine.com
In This Newsletter: FEATURED ARTICLE
Losing Your Kid --- When You’re Child Turns Into A Teen
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1) Full-Time Office Hours and
Telephone FREE COUNSELLING CONSULTATIONS
- See Below For Details -
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2) New Parenting Program START THIS NOVEMBER
7 - Sessions Wednesday Evenings
- See below for details -
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3)
Feature Article
Losing Your Kid --- When You’re Child Turns Into A Teen
-- See below -
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1) NEW OFFICE HOURS AND FREE COUNSELTATIONS
I'm now Full-Time at my Burnaby office near Metrotown on
Kingsway.
New Hours:
Mon 12 noon - 7:30pm
Thurs - Fri 10:30am - 7:30 pm
Address: 5050 Kingsway 2nd Floor, V5H 4H2
Right near a London Drugs at the corner of Kingsway
and Marlborough
As part of my new transition and commitment to servicing
present clients that are on this Newsletter list.
I am offering:
FREE 20-MINUTE COUNSELLING CONSULTATIONS
For a limited number of spots.
To sign up just send an e-mail to :
klaus@kdkcounselling.com
Subject: Free Consultation Sign-up
I will get back to you regarding a time and date.
Act now to insure a spot.
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2) PARENTING PROGRAM
--Centred Parenting Program—
With Klaus Klein MA, RCC
Website : www.kdkcounselling.com
e-mail: Klaus@kdkcounselling.com
Strengthen Your Parenting Skills, Regain Your
Sense of Self, and Bring More Peace Back in Your Life.
7-sessions
6pm – 8:30pm Wednesday evenings
2.5 hours per session
Facilitated by Klaus Klein MA, RCC
with over 15 years experience working with
teens and adults.
17.5 hours in total of group learning and
support that significantly improves the
relationship with your kids now and in the
future.
$2362.50 value for $637.00
NOW: $597 (Early Bird rate before October 27)
With this program you pay $597 for over 17 hours
of training, support, and learning
Free ScreamFree book
Parenting Handouts included
Extra bonus:
Bring a partner, spouse, or friend for FREE!! ($697 Value)
They must attend the first session to qualify and
cannot miss more than one session.
Space is limited, so first to sign up get priority.
E-mail: Klaus@kdkcouselling.com Cell: 604-786-0709
For more details you can go to :
http://www.kdkcounselling.com/parent_program.htm
Location:
Greentree Village Community Centre
— 4295 Garden Grove Drive, Burnaby.
Near BCIT off of Wayburne Drive
Corner of Village Dr. and Garden Grove Drive.
Free parking on street
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3) FEATURED ARTICLE
Losing Your Kid --- When You’re Child Turns Into A Teen
A few months ago my son became a teenager. I’ve watched
this happen with many of my clients and their children
over the past 15 years that I’ve been a therapist…and,
now it is happening to me as well.
When my son made the shift from little boy to teen, I
wasn’t aware of the impact this had on me. When I finally
took time to look at myself I realized that I had become
more frustrated, confused, and angry. I was also blaming
him for not being the boy that I once knew.
My Unacknowledged Feelings About My Son Growing Up Created
Conflict Between Him and I That Didn’t Exist Previously
The inner experience I had due to my son becoming a teenager
was subtle, almost invisible. However, the emotions I was
expressing towards my son ended up causing more conflict,
anger, and stress in my relationship with him than ever before.
For example, we started having more conflicts when I asked
him to help around the home, or asked him to get off the
computer, or when it was time to come to the dinner table.
These things all of a sudden created a battle between us.
The conflicts only diminished between us when I switched
from focusing on him and his behaviour to being responsible
for my own feelings. When I took the time to become aware
what was happening with me I could then take responsibility
as a parent for my emotional part of the conflict.
I had helped many parents become aware of their underlying
feelings when they were having conflicts with their children
over the years as a first step in decreasing the conflict.
However, I hadn't done it for myself for quite some
time. I was now over due for taking myself through my
own internal process in order to make some changes with
me first.
Accepting That My Little Boy Has Become a Teenager
One evening after a conflict with my son I decided that I
better deal with my anger about his behaviour before the
situation escalates even more. I took myself through an
internal process, which I often lead other parents through
in my private therapy sessions and in my parenting programs.
This process helps parents make changes in themselves first
so that they can respond to their kids in a healthier and
more productive way.
The first step was to acknowledge that I was angry because
part of me wanted to connect with the boy I knew.I became
aware that I was blaming my son for not being that boy
anymore.
I took some time to really feel my anger. I asked myself
what else was under the anger. What came up was a lot of
sadness. This was a total surprise! I realized that I
was sad because I could no longer relate to my son the
way I used to. I then saw that my ‘anger’ was a reaction
to the ‘sadness’ I was feeling of losing my little boy.
I then moved to my thoughts and how I was seeing the
situation.
I had thoughts of :
- I’ve lost my kid
- What happened to my little boy?
- Who is this ‘creature’ in front of me now?
- How do I get him back to ‘normal’?
After becoming aware of my thoughts, I moved to my
expectations. Expectations often get overlooked but
are very revealing. When they are ‘unmet’ they can be
a driving force behind our reactions and behaviors.
The Process I Used to Understand and Change my Behavior
Towards My Son
First, I explored my expectations of myself and discovered:
[I should……..: ]
-- Get him back to who he was (just 2 weeks ago)
-- Change him back into a ‘human’
Second, I identified my expectations of him and discovered:
[He should……:]
-- Change back to who he was … so that I don’t have to
feel ‘sad’ or ‘confused’ or ‘frustrated’ or ‘scared’
These expectations were very revealing to me and
so were the feelings of anger that I was expressing trying
to get them met!!
Third, I identified the expectations that I thought he
has of me:
[He expects me to:
-- Be an adult
-- Take care of myself
-- Be responsible for myself
-- Not dump my ‘sadness’ on to him so that he has
to take care of me
-- Not to try to change him so ‘I feel’ better
-- get off his case
These expectations were also enlightening and gave me
guidance on what I needed to do to change.
Fourth, I looked at my ‘yearnings’:
Yearnings are universal. Some examples are; love,
connection, acceptance, safety, belonging, peace,
freedom, purpose, creativity, etc.
For me my yearning was for ‘connection’. However, I
was trying to ‘connect’ to the boy he once was. This
boy was no longer there. He was now a teen. I could
see how frustrating it was trying to ‘connect’ with
a boy that isn’t a little boy but now a teen.
Also I could see how frustrating it has been for
him with me as a parent trying to ‘connect’ with
him as a little boy when he no longer is one.
When our yearnings are being met through realistic
expectations then life is good.
But when we try to get our yearnings met through
unrealistic expectations then life becomes more difficult.
Putting my process all together it then looked like this:
I was experiencing a ‘loss’ of what “once was” and felt
‘sad’ because of that. I lost my young son, but I was
unaware that I was feeling this way and was trying to
‘connect’ to the boy that was there just a few short
weeks prior.
Obviously treating my son like the boy he
used to be wasn’t working and I felt ‘angry that I
could not get him to ‘change’ back to the boy he was.
Because I was not aware of my own experience of ‘sadness’
over this natural phenomenon called growing up, I felt angry.
A New Way of Being with My Son Has Decreased the Conflicts
I Have With Him
Now that I understand what is going on for me I am
working on being more accepting of my sadness and
seeing the loss as a natural part of parenting.
Because so much of communication is non-verbal, within
24 hours of me changing myself I could experience
that my voice tone, posture, and body language were
different around my son. I was more present, open and
curious about him and who he is now.
Perhaps most importantly, there was a definite decrease
in our conflicts, and an increase in our bond.
I can now change some of the expectations I had that
were out of my awareness and were unrealistic: “Changing
him back to who he was” – is just not going to happen.
Instead, I can change my expectation and be more “open,
curious, and accepting of who he is now as a person”.
This does not necessarily mean that
I am doing it perfectly all the time. But it is more
realistic and I am moving in a positive direction.
I can also go to my thoughts and change the way I was
thinking about my son. Instead of thinking “How do I
get him back to ‘normal’? I can change that viewpoint
to, “ this is an opportunity for me to get to know him now.”
I can now be more present and curious about connecting
with my son in the present.
Connecting with and accepting my sadness and being responsible
for it is part of me stepping forward as the parent. This
new way of being is better than expecting my son to change
back to being a little boy again so that I ‘feel’ better.
I still have conflicts with my son at times. I still have
to hold boundaries and help him be accountable, which makes
me not very popular at times. My sadness is still there to
some extent, but it will pass in time.
I am Not Alone: Many Parents Forget that They Need to Change
As Their Children Change
I realize that so many parents have experienced a similar
kind of sadness within themselves as well. It’s subtle and
often out of our awareness. If you are struggling with your
child as he or she grows, I urge you to try this internal
process for yourself.
When we make subtle changes in ourselves then our
kids will appreciate our growth. As we grow from within as
adults, the impact on our kids is that they usually follow,
sooner or later.
Note:
The process used came from the Satir Model based on
Virgina Satir and later developed further by
Dr. John Banmen and Kathlyne Maki-Banmen.