Teen Relations - By Klaus Klein http://ezezine.com
Teen Relations Newsletter : by Klaus Klein MA, RCC
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In this Newsletter Issue:
1. Feature Article :"Business vs. Relationship Side Of Parenting"
2. Free Talk/Workshop Tuesday June 23 from 7 - 8:30pm
3. Counselling Services
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1. Feature Article
The Business vs. Relationship Side of Parenting
Consequences, accountability, and making unpopular
decisions are part of the --business side-- of parenting
your teen. Fun, laughter, nurturing behaviour, and play
are part of the --relationship side-- of parenting.
The business side of parenting sets up the boundaries,
structure, and your teens respect for you as the adult in
charge of the family.
The relationship side, on the other hand, sets up the
foundation of your relationship with your teen. It promotes
your teens desire to come back to you and reconnect after
you have had to hold the line on a certain boundary, give a
consequence, or make a tough decision.
Both of these aspects of parenting fit into a balanced equation
and are equally important. Being overly focused on one side or
the other leads to an unhealthy relationship between you and
your teen. In addition, in order for adolescents to grow and
develop psychologically, they need both nurturing and caring
and boundaries and consequences.
As a parent, you know that both sides are important, and
yet in practice, it is not always easy to find that perfect
balance between the two. You may be a stronger parent
in one area more than the other without always being
aware of it.
And yet, if you are having problems with your teen,
it is worth to assess whether you are finding that
right balance.
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Impact of Being Out Balance With Your Teen
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-- The weaker the relationship with your teen the less
effective any consequences you implement will have
-- If you do not cultivate a strong relationship with your
teen in the worst-case scenario your teen will not care
about any consequence you impose.
-- The more frustrated you become with your teen, the
more likely it is that you will pile on more severe
consequences in hopes for a change or gaining control
over his or her behaviour. This then leads to an imbalance
on the business side, often making things worse.
-- When the relationship side is weak, your teen is
likely to rebel and family conflict increases.
-- Once the situation has escalated to the point of
continuous arguing and power struggles, it makes
it even harder to focus on the relationship
side of parenting.
As a parent, you are the authority figure in your home.
If interactions with your kids have gotten to a point
where you are mostly being critical or
consequencing then it is only natural that kids will
distance themselves and not want to comply with any
requests at all.
If, on the other hand, you focus too much on pleasing
your child and not setting appropriate boundaries
and expectations, they may disrespect you and at
worst, any consequences you give will be ignored.
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If you feel that the relationship side with your teen is
lacking here are some things you might try:
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-- Find something positive to say to your teen throughout
the week
-- Take the time to be with your teen where you will not be
distracted
-- Focus on teens positive qualities and tell them how you
appreciate them
-- Listen to your teens ideas even when you disagree
-- Laugh and joke around with your teen
-- Go on an adventure together
-- Play something together
Depending where you are in the relationship with your
teen you may have to start with just one simple positive
thing a day before anything deeper and meaningful can
develop. But if you view the relationship side of
parenting as being just as important as the business side,
and are willing to work at it, then you may be surprised the
next time you him/her for a simple favour, do his/her
homework, or to turn off the computer. Arguments may
decrease and you may find that your teen is more cooperative
and willing to do what you ask. Your home will be more
harmonious and your teen will be happier.
As a parent finding that right balance between the business
and relationship side to parenting is an on going process.
Often there are many factors within a family system that can
tip the balance to one extreme or another for a parent.
However, the better the relationship side is between you
and your teen then the more respect you will get for the business
side when you need to put your foot down and hold a boundary
or expectation. Teens need both structure and relationship and
you are the primary source for that in their lives.
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2) Free Talk/Workshop
"Mastering Fears of Parenting Your Teen"
Tuesday June 23, 7 to 8:30 pm
Are you tired of not being in control of yourself when you
are with your teen? Discover how to master your worst fears
and develop a more positive relationship with your teen.
Location: Burnaby Office 2nd Floor 5050 Kingsway Burnaby -- near
Metrotown Station -- Parking at London Drugs
e-mail for registration: freetalk@kdkcounselling.com
Website: http://www.kdkcounselling.com/free_talk.htm
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3) Counselling Services
I provide counselling for teens, parents, and family.
Call for a free 10-minute consultation 604-786-0709
Website: http://www.kdkcounselling.com/index.htm
Burnaby Office location: 2nd Floor 5050 Kingsway Burnaby -- near
Metrotown Station
Vancouver Office Location: 2nd Floor 1892 West Broadway -- near Cyprus
and Broadway
Hours: 4-7 pm Mon, Tues, and Wed
Klaus Klein is a Register Clinical Counsellor in BC